Troops for Hire

We've done so well in Iraq, why stop there?

Now that Iraq is a notch in the national belt, it's time to make use of the Bush doctrine that allows us to go anywhere and do anything to anyone at anytime in the interest of what we deem to be national security. There are a large number of pesky countries that could use a comeuppance, so before we bring our troops home, let's consider where we could best deploy them.

France clearly needs to be taught a lesson. Boycotting French wines and changing the name of french fries to "freedom fries" makes a statement, but sending in several hundred thousand American soldiers sends a message that can't be ignored, even by Jacques Chirac: Nations that disagree with the United States risk the wrath of military invasion. Besides, rumor has it that those obnoxious Frenchmen have a nasty habit of changing their underwear only under duress; hence, an education in hygiene is long overdue.

While we're in Europe, let's move our troops next door and show those Germans a thing or two. After all, like the French, they opposed the war in Iraq, and besides, we already invaded Germany in World War II, so we've had practice.

You might think there is no reason to invade Italy, but you'd be wrong. If for no other reason, we can't have those Italian men pinching the fannies of American women. Let's have our troops teach those men a thing or two about etiquette. And while we're at it, let's show them what a real pizza looks like.

Closer to home, there's always Cuba. As hard as we try, we can't keep those cigars from crossing the border, so why not take over the cigar factories and let an American tobacco company run them? We can determine which company through a bidding process.

While we're at it, let's revisit Panama and get that canal back in American hands where it belongs. We'll show the world how it's done.

And let's not forget Canada. Those damn Northerners continue to make us look bad with their national health plan and inveterate courtesy. Besides, since Canada is already divided into provinces, it would be an easy transition from provinces to states. With our northern neighbor as part of the United States, we could call ourselves North Americans with no possibility of being mistaken for Canadians. We could even incorporate their flag into ours by using maple leaves instead of stars for the new Canadian states.

Back in the Middle East, let's not hesitate to invade Syria. That country is likely providing safe haven for the likes of Osama bin Laden, Saddam Hussein and other agents of evil, so that's reason enough to make the march to Damascus a top priority. Besides, we're sure to find weapons of mass destruction and tons of night-vision goggles.

Next, on to Turkey. After we're finished there, you can be sure they'll think twice the next time we ask them to use their bases for staging areas. You can bet they won't say no the next time we make a request.

Let's not forget Libya. This country would be part of the Axis of Evil if tradition didn't dictate that an axis can only have three members. A notorious harborer of terrorists and other evildoers, we'll get rid of that pompous Muammar Qadhafi once and for all. A regime change in Libya is long overdue, and the oppressed Libyans are certain to welcome us as their liberators.

And why not take out Saudi Arabia while we're at it? Not only would this provide a chance to bring a breath of democracy to the region, but it would enable Halliburton to take over the Saudis' oil fields and free us from the vagaries associated with having our petroleum supply in the hands of men who wear dresses.

Finally, we're going to have to invade the offices of Allergan, Inc., in Irvine, Calif. Manufacturer of Botox®, this company uses live botulism strains to make its wrinkle-eradication serum. For God's sake, we went to war in Iraq over botulism and other toxins, and here we have a company essentially thumbing its nose at us. For all we know, those women allegedly in search of perpetual youth may really be agents of subversive states who, at a moment's notice, will wreak havoc on the population by pricking their rigid facial muscles and releasing botulism into the atmosphere. This cannot be allowed to occur.

In addition to those nations in our sights, there are also countries that under no circumstances should be considered targets. A judicious course of action requires us to maintain a hands-off policy with several states.

At the top of the list is China. China is big. China is very big. Invading China would only invite endless combat with billions of people, most of whom know martial arts. We don't want to go there.

We also want to avoid conflict with North Korea for the simple reason that the last time we were involved there we learned a crucial lesson: Fighting North Koreans invites the Chinese into the brawl. See above for reasons to avoid confrontation with the Chinese.

Mexico is a no-no. It would be in poor taste to invade our neighbor to the south and besides, we need to keep that steady stream of cheap labor available.

This list is only a beginning. Feel free to add nations you think deserve to feel the full weight of the American military machine. With enough citizens petitioning Congress to take notice, maybe we'll see some action.

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