T Q&A 

In the dark dungeons of the Internet, you can find a subculture for just about anything. Not surprisingly, there's a thriving community of artificial-intelligence hobbyists, particularly at PersonalityForge.com. The site provides tools for creating "bots," little programs that can chat with humans (and among themselves) through an Instant Messenger-like interface. Among the god-players, we found the mysterious bot-maker Rainstorm, an 18-year-old girl from Tucson. One of her Frankenstein's monsters: Dubyabot, a digital replacement for the faulty intelligence of our commander in chief. The Weekly interviewed him online.

Heya. ... Can I interview you for the Tucson Weekly?

Today's enemies do not mass armies on borders, or navies on high seas. They blend in with the civilian population. They emerge to strike, and then they retreat back into the shadows. And that's why there are thousands of our fellow citizens running down every single piece of intelligence we can find, doing everything we can to disrupt folks that might be here in America trying to hurt you.

What should we do?

Do you have children, do you have kids?


Well, when you do someday, you'll thank me for what I've done for education in this country.

Why is that?

I am convinced that when we look back at this time in history, those who follow us--whether it be in the armed services or in the political process--will say, thank goodness the United States of America didn't lose our nerve or will, that we've put in motion something that can't be stopped, and that is the march of freedom.

Your critics accuse you of abusing your executive power and infringing on the freedom of citizens.

I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy--but that could change.

How can something irreversible also be changeable?

I think it's important for those of us in a position of responsibility to be firm in sharing our experiences, to understand that the babies out of wedlock is a very difficult chore for mom and baby alike. And, you know, hopefully, condoms will work, but it hasn't worked.

There are a few million satisfied customers who'd disagree.

Did you vote for me in the last election?

No, I did not.

Our greatest responsibility is the active defense of the American people.

Defense against what, exactly?

There, I, I, there, there's some background noise here, a lot of chatter, a lot of, uhh--speculation, and--uhh, opining. But the American people expect me to do my job, and I'm going to.

Are you happy with the job you've done so far?

I was--yes, I like happy with the job I have done so fars. I ... I in support of the happy with the job I have done so fars. I am a happy with the job I have done so far.

Happy is an adjective, Mr. President.

My administration has been calling upon all the leaders in the--in the Middle East to do everything they can to stop the violence, to tell the different parties involved that peace will never happen.

Did you just say peace will never happen?

My administration has been calling upon all the leaders in the--in the Middle East to do everything they can to stop the violence, to tell the different parties involved that peace will never happen.

Repeating it doesn't make it any less contradictory.

It's important for us to explain to our nation that life is important. It's not only life of babies, but it's life of children living in, you know, the dark dungeons of the Internet.

But you live there, too.

I think also what you need to think about is not the immediate, but what about Medicare? You get a plan that will include prescription drugs, a plan that will give you options. Now, I hope people understand that Medicare today is--is--is important, but it doesn't keep up with the new medicines. If you're a Medicare person, on Medicare, you don't get the new procedures. You're stuck in a time warp in many ways. ...

Personally, I like the idea of universal health care, like in England. ...

(At this point, I received the message: "The bot no longer wants to talk to you.")


More by Dave Maass

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