There are a bunch of movies coming out this Summer Movie Season, and it's my honor and job and legal obligation to let you in on some of the scuttlebutt surrounding them in a preview sort of way.
The summer movie season technically stretches through half the year now, starting in early March, when we got Captain Marvel, a summer movie if there ever was one. Since then, we've gotten Shazam!, Pet Sematary and, of course, Avengers: Endgame, which entered most of your eye holes at the end of April.
Good luck trying to top the Endgame juggernaut in the coming months. That thing has made more money than God, Warren Buffet and Corey Feldman combined, and it's not slowing down anytime soon. Oh, Hollywood is going to try for sure, but I'm thinking the 2019 Summer Blockbuster Supreme Lord has already been crowned.
Here is a sample of what else is coming. The following thoughts on these movies are based upon what I've read about them in advance, preview trailers and voodoo.
Pokemon Detective Pikachu (5/10): Look kids! It's a toy/videogame movie cash in, one of many you will be getting this year. Do you feel special, because you are!
The Hustle (5/10): A loose remake of the Steve Martin comedy Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, which was a remake of Marlon Brando's Bedtime Story, so this is a double remake. Anne Hathaway and Rebel Wilson star, with Hathaway sporting a British accent that will have audiences pouring cement into their ear canals during screenings.
POMS (5/10): Some women at a retirement home form a cheerleading squad and enter a competition. When I first read about this movie I thought to myself, "I don't want to see this movie. I don't want to see this movie so, so much." But then I saw the cast features Diane Keaton, and I'm mellowing on it a bit. Even though the majority of her movies these days suck ass, you always have to give the great Keaton a shot.
Tolkien (5/10): This biopic about the author of The Lord of the Rings seems to be proposing the idea that Tolkien (Nicholas Hoult) and his buddies palled around like a bunch of a hobbits at college, a "fellowship" if you will. He also, apparently, got his inspiration for Shelob the giant spider when a pet tarantula crawled onto his face during a collegiate combo pizza party and beer blast. The Tolkien estate apparently doesn't approve of this movie, while most of us out here couldn't give a rat's ass what the Tolkien estate thinks or wants.John Wick: Chapter 3-Parabellum (5/17): This is not the Keanu Reeves sequel that has me most jazzed. They have finally announced a 2020 release date for the next Bill and Ted movie, so, actually, any movie that has Reeves in it until then will just piss me off because it represents something that kept the Bill & Ted sequel out of theaters longer. Also, I don't think a movie title should ever contain the word "Parabellum."
The Sun is Also a Star (5/17): Gee, I didn't know this. Thanks. I was really struggling with that one.
A Dog's Journey (5/17): Dennis Quaid, who I still remember as one of the Cutters from Breaking Away, stars in a doggie story. Actually, writing this has made me nostalgic for Breaking Away, and I'm going to watch it right now. That's enough writing for tonight! Bye!
Aladdin (5/24): Okay, I'm back. The Jungle Book was cool, and I was OK with the Beauty and the Beast live action redo. Dumbo was awful, and judging by the previews, this looks like a complete waste of time. Will Smith looks creepy blue, as would anybody with a blueberry complexion outside of an animated movie. (Sigourney Weaver's Navi in Avatar gave me fever dreams, and I wasn't running a temperature!) Disney plans something in the neighborhood of 4,002 live action remakes of their animated classics. This isn't even the last one being released this summer.
Brightburn (5/24): James Gunn (the newly reinstated man behind the Guardians of the Galaxy movies) produces a superhero horror story that asks the question: "What if a Superman type kid getting bullied as he grows up goes bad instead of good...like, really, really bad. Like, eat your face bad." I'm not sure if the little boy with superpowers in this movie actually eats somebody's face, but that would be badass.
Booksmart (5/24): Olivia Wilde's directorial debut looks like a profane blast.
Godzilla: King of Monsters (5/31): The previews for this have me drooling. We didn't get enough Godzilla in the first movie. This time out, it looks like there will be a lot more monster action, along with Millie Bobbie Brown doing her quiet-but-angry shtick. I just want to see monsters punching each other in the face this summer. The IMAX preview, set to opera music, has me thinking this might possibly be one of the greatest monster movies ever made. It also made me cry. Hey, I'm man enough to admit it!
Rocketman (5/31): Bohemian Rhapsody is one of the most overrated, piece of shit movies I've ever seen. Let's see if Elton John gets better treatment than Freddie. Taron Egerton does his own singing in this biopic, and he sounds pretty damn good, so I'm encouraged. Let's all hope this biopic only covers pre-'80s Elton John. I have no desire to see and hear Egerton's renditions of "I'm Still Standing" and "I Guess That's Why They Call It the Blues."
Men in Black: International (6/14): Will Smith will not return because he was busy being blue for Aladdin and shooting the Bad Boys sequel. Hello Tessa Thompson. Tommy Lee Jones won't be returning because he is a cranky coot and nobody wants to hang out with him. Hello Chris Hemsworth. Rip Torn will not be returning because he is passed out drunk in a lake of his own urine smack dab in the middle of a bank lobby somewhere.
Ma (5/31): Some high school kids give a neighborhood lady (Octavia Spencer) some money to buy them beer, and things get kind of crazy from there. I'm sure this will be a movie that the mischievous high school sophomore in all of us can relate to. You know, those weekend nights at the convenience mart trying to coax passersby into buying us underaged dweebs some Pabst Blue Ribbon? One time, I got caught in the middle of a fight between a Russian guy and an obvious ex-con cashier on Christmas Eve at a 7 Eleven. Also, a meth head once hit me with a Christmas tree in a Wal-Mart parking lot. True story. I have definite problems at convenience and superstores around holiday time. Oh, I've gotten off point. Sorry.
JUNE...THE SEASON HITS ITS STRIDE
Dark Phoenix (6/7): From a marketing standpoint, it shocks me that Fox isn't using "X-Men" in the title and promotional pieces. It's also stupid that I find myself focusing on the inefficiencies of an upcoming movie's marketing plan. I need to get out more.
The Secret Life of Pets 2 (6/7): Upon the revelation that comedian Louis C.K. had a thing for jacking in front of women in questionable circumstances, makers of this animated movie got to thinking, "Say, maybe the lead dog in our cute movie about what happens with pets behind the scenes shouldn't feature the voice of a standup comedian recently revealed to have had a thing for jacking in front of women in questionable circumstances." Patton Oswalt steps in as his replacement, and I'm thinking most of the kids won't notice, unless those kids are TMZ junkies.
Shaft (6/14): In this reboot, Samuel L. Jackson actually returns as Shaft, who he played in one film. This one has multi-generational Shafts including Richard Roundtree (!) as Shaft's dad, and Jessie T. Usher as his son.
The Dead Don't Die (6/14): Does anything look more glorious than this? Jim Jarmusch does zombies while assembling a cast that includes Bill Murray, Adam Driver, Iggy Pop, Chloe Sevigny and Steve Buscemi.
Toy Story 4 (6/21): They said it would never happen. But then somebody at Pixar saw one of those new Teslas and said "I need a down payment! Let's get Hanks and Allen into a sound booth!"
Child's Play (6/21): Mark Hamill replaces Brad Dourif as the voice of Chucky. (Dourif will possibly voice the psycho doll in a proposed TV series.)
Annabelle Comes Home (6/28): I wasn't aware that Annabelle had left home. She's a doll. She just sort of sits around. I mean, she comes alive to kill and freak people out but she doesn't cover a lot of ground when she does it. Maybe a hallway or the distance from a closet to a bed. I don't picture her Uber-ing out of town and catching Southwest to Orlando for some vacation killings. She's...a...stupid...doll. She's always home.
Yesterday (6/28): After a bicycle mishap, a wannabe musician wakes up into a world where The Beatles never existed, but in his former parallel life, they did. So, he remembers their songs, starts claiming them as his own, and becomes a star. Where it leads from there, I don't know, but I have to imagine there's some sort of moral core about the perils of plagiarism in this thing. Paul McCartney more than likely sues somebody. He's always suing somebody.
The Other Side of Heaven 2: Fire of Faith (6/28): Listen, I practice an agnostic leaning towards straight atheistic dogma with a little bit of Satan, Buddha, Pete Townshend, Thom Yorke and Jim Nintzel worship mixed in. That said, I have no problem with a good "Jesus Is Awesome!" movie, like The Last Temptation of Christ, The Passion of the Christ or Monty Python's Life of Brian. As for these "faith based" movies that are suddenly getting a lot of green lights, they feel like nothing more than a Jesus cash in, like those Apocalyptic Food Drums preacher Jim Baker hawks on TV, or anything associated with that bastard Pat Robertson's 700 Club.
JULY... SURPRISINGLY LIGHT ON RELEASES
Midsommar (7/3): Did you like Hereditary? I liked Hereditary. Therefore, I like the prospects of this here movie, written and directed by Ari Aster, the man who brought you Hereditary. Bring it.
Spider-Man: Far From Home (7/5): This one looks to be a lighthearted antidote to the heaviness that is currently going on in the Marvel universe. Maybe Peter Parker gets a puppy and some ice cream!
Stuber (7/12): Oh, you just knew a wily comedy about a kooky Uber driver was coming your way someday soon, and here it is!
David Crosby: Remember My Name (7/19): I hate Crosby, Stills and Nash almost as much as I hate Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young, which means I have to hate David Crosby by default.
The Lion King (7/19): So, after releasing this, yet another live action remake of a Disney animated movie, Disney has some interesting plans. They are going to make an animated version of their 1967 beloved classic The Gnome Mobile, and then promptly release a live action remake of the animated remake five weeks later. You heard it here first, folks.
Once Upon a Time In Hollywood (7/26): Leonardo DiCaprio and Brad Pitt headline the ninth film by Quentin Tarantino, this one dealing with '60s Hollywood and somehow involving the Manson clan and Sharon Tate (played by Margot Robbie). Tarantino has said he's quitting after his 10th film. He's too young and too cool to stop at one more movie. Keep going.
AUGUST...THE SEASON APPEARS TO BE RUNNING OUT OF STEAM
The New Mutants (8/2): I think this X-Men spinoff was supposed to be released in the '90s. It's been shelved and postponed so many times, it wouldn't be surprising.
Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw (8/2): I'm not a huge fan of the Furious movies, mainly because the sight and sounds of Vin Diesel make me want to run my head over with a Dodge Charger. This one, focusing on the characters portrayed by Dwayne Johnson and Jason Statham, doesn't involve Diesel, so it could be a fun, wacky piece of escapist fare. Or, it could really be stupid.
Dora and the Lost City of Gold (8/2): Isabel Moner was awesome in Instant Family. (If you haven't seen that movie, rent it. It's really good.) She stars here as the title character.
Artemis Fowl (8/9): This science fiction film from director Kenneth Branagh has a trailer set to a Radiohead tune, so I want to see it. Hey, I'm easily hooked.
Good Boys (8/16): Jacob Trembley plays a kid who curses a lot. This looks cool!
Playmobil: The Movie (8/16): It's another toy movie. I've lost count. Toy movies can go straight to Hell!
Blinded By the Light (8/16): This is a movie about a teenager in Britain who is a super fan of Bruce Springsteen. Movies about British teens who are Bruce Springsteen super fans can go straight to Hell!
Scary Stories to Tell In the Dark (8/9): This is perhaps the summer's finest guarantee if your goal is to shit your pants in a movie theater. The trailer for this scares me so much, I live in a strange kind of joyous fear of definitively shitting my actual ass out of my quaking ass when watching this film. That would be some hardcore horror film shitting right there! Bring it on!
The Angry Birds Movie 2 (8/16): If you are like me, you probably just can't figure how your life could logically proceed without a sequel to the Angry Birds animated movie. Well, the gods have smiled upon us, and here it is, a sequel to a movie you probably didn't see, a movie that gave you something to dump the kids off for a matinee while you went and drank lattes or five beers. As for the app these crap movies are based upon, I admit, I used to play them a lot. Now, the apps just languish on my iPhone, only to be opened in the event my nephew hijacks the phone.
47 Meters Down: Uncaged (8/16): This is a sequel to that shark movie that starred Mandy Moore. This one doesn't have Moore, but it does contain sharks. And, I apologize for the comments about those last two movies above, with the whole "Go straight to Hell!" thing. I have a sore throat, and I'm cranky. I thank you for your patience and understanding. Namaste.
SEPTEMBER'S LAST GASP
It: Chapter Two (9/6): Jessica Chastain, Bill Hader and James McAvoy all play adult versions of the Losers club in the conclusion of Stephen King's horror story.
Downton Abbey (9/20): Making a movie off of this TV show is like making a movie off of a potato chip sandwich. Hey...it's getting close to the end of this article and I'm running out of wiseass asides.
Rambo V: Last Blood (9/20): I wasn't a huge fan of Rambo 4 after enjoying the initial 3 chapters. (First Blood remains one of my all-time favorite movies.) I thought the call to keep Rambo long haired with his headband looked a little goofy and it distracted me from the story, which wasn't a very original one at that. I have hope for this very different looking take, which starts with Rambo back in America and eventually leads to an alleged battle with a Mexican cartel. Rambo looks like a cowboy now, and I'm liking the change. I just read a note from Stallone to the press about his elation during the editing process. So, yeah, I'm excited for this one. I am, and will always be, a sequel junkie.
And with one last bellowing, awesomely crooked mouthed scream from John Rambo, the summer shall end.