Scared Off

Blair Witch doesn’t have much magic

It's been 17 years since a good chunk of the world got the shit scared out of them by sticks, twine, and Heather Donahue's mucous in The Blair Witch Project, that little success story that got the ball rolling on the now dreaded and despised "found footage" horror genre.

It's been 16 years since the first sequel, the non-found footage Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2, and One Too Many came out, and essentially killed the franchise, although the found footage cheapie horror shtick would live on, eventually peaking with Cloverfield (2008) but pretty much sucking before and after that.

Now, here in 2016, a second sequel to The Blair Witch Project makes its way into cinemas. Would Lionsgate take this opportunity to reintroduce a once promising premise with a different style of film? Perhaps a more traditional narrative about the Blair Witch set in the forest without the gimmick of people running around with cameras filming themselves, even when they are in great peril?

Nope ... opportunity wasted. Blair Witch is essentially the original film with louder noises, a few more gizmos (drones, walkie-talkies, better tents) and, yes, lots more sticks tied together with twine and piles of rocks in front of those better tents.

For those of you who are scared shitless by stick men made out of twigs and twine (and piles of rocks in front of better tents), this movie will fuck your shit up old school. I'm thinking that accounts for, perhaps, .00009832 percent of the movie-going population. The rest of you will be bored out of your minds.

How does this new story tie into the original? Well, I will tell you.

James (James Allen McCune), long suffering brother of the original film's Heather who vanished all those years ago, has found ... a tape. That tape contains shaky footage within that infamous forest house from the first movie. The tape was made by somebody moronic enough to keep filming and keep the action centered rather than focus on his or her much-needed getaway from a roaring bad thing. In said footage, a messed up looking woman is glimpsed for a second, so James instantly thinks it's Heather.

James assembles a crew of idiots to go into the forest, the cursed forest where people disappear and strange tapes are found. That crew includes a bunch of actors and actresses who basically don't factor or matter much, so I won't even name them. Lets just call them "The Band of Idiots Who Choose to Leave Their Cameras On and Run Around Hyperventilating Yet Keeping the Action Centered For the Most Part While Some Sort of Malevolent Force Tries to Eat Them."

The newness of this version, directed by the usually-reliable-but-not-this-time Adam Wingard (You're Next), is supposed to be reflected in the usage of drones and hi-def cameras. It's still just assholes finding stick men in the woods and then running around with cameras raised to their faces or that general area while a freaking witch or something of that ilk is trying to devour their soul!

OK, OK ... there are a few moments of inspiration. There's the suggestion that the group is stuck in some sort of time loop, and that the tape that James views has a really bizarre origin. The final few minutes of this movie are better than the original, including a scene where one of the characters gets stuck in an underground tunnel that plays off claustrophobic fears.

It's too little too late, because the film that plays out before the almost good ending is just a bunch of nimrods playing with STICK MEN in the woods while CONTINUING TO FILM THE ACTION as they try to avoid getting disemboweled by a BLOODTHIRSTY WITCH! Can you tell I'm just not buying into this particular filmmaking technique?

For the best in cinematic witch action, see this year's The Witch. For unnecessary and useless retreads, go ahead and plunk down for this P.O.S. Watch out, though ... it has scary sticks and twine and rocks in it. Oooooooh....

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