It will kill you eventually.
You have to decide where your bottom is. It wasn't losing your wife. It wasn't eating through your savings. It wasn't having a near death reaction. It wasn't standing at the top of a stairwell contemplating breaking your own arm to get painkillers. So where is it? What will it take for you to stop. Do you have to start robbing people for money? Do you have to kill someone? Or does it only stop when you die? There are two ways for you to stop: you can hit bottom and decide that this is it, this is the worst it is going to get, or you can die.
So what if poppy seeds are available on the internet. That is not an excuse to not stop. Alcoholics have alcohol everywhere, people drinking it in front of them, they drive down the street and BAR BAR BAR BAR everywhere. You have none of that. There are plenty of alcoholics who quit. You can too.
Get yourself to a NA meeting NOW while you are free from the withdrawal symptoms. If you are not a God person or whatever just pretend that when you say God or Higher Power or whatever, that you are talking to that inner voice that knows what is right and wrong.
You have a really nice writing voice. It would be a shame for that to be extinguished. GO TO A NA MEETING TODAY!!!!!!
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