Reasons to sneer

Oro Valley has its own way of doing things.

They recently renamed Dennis Weaver Park to "honor" one of the town's founding fathers. That's just not right. This James Kreigh guy might be the coolest white man in history, but that's no reason to take Weaver's name off the park. Reportedly, at least some of the dolts in charge thought that the park was named for the guy who starred in Steven Spielberg's made-for-TV movie Duel. There's no way there could be two guys named Dennis Weaver, right?

This Dennis Weaver was a Republican Pima County Supervisor from 1956-72. His district included what is now Oro Valley, the incorporation of which he opposed. When Oro Valley came into existence, it refused to take over the operating expenses of the park, as is customary in such situations. The people of Oro Valley used the park to death, but the county had to foot the bill. (This wasn't because they didn't like the politician Dennis Weaver; it was basically because they were cheap suckers.)

This is like that old Bill Cosby routine about burial at sea where the dead guy is covered with an American flag, but when they throw him over the side, they keep the flag on board. Like, "And now for my next trick!"

Unless some posthumous revelations reveal that the guy was some heinous criminal (like, say, J. Edgar Hoover) the name should stay forever. This is just plain wrong. You want to name a park for Mr. Kreigh? Then build a new park and put his name on that one.

They recently held "the election of the future" in Oro Valley, and apparently our future is in the hands of the tiny minority of people who have enough determination to get off the couch and go to the Post Office.

Following a disturbing trend to make it easier and easier for people to vote, Oro Valley did an all-mail-in election. This is not only stupid, it's an insult to many. Voting is a privilege that is earned through good citizenship, and it's one bought and paid for with the blood, courage and lives of countless Americans over the past couple centuries.

Virtually every American living today knows of someone who suffered or died to help keep this country free. And how do we honor the fallen? By having half of all Americans not vote at all, and then having a sizable percentage of those who do vote grouse about having to stand in line for a few minutes at the polling place once every couple years.

Absentee ballots should be banned except in the case of shut-ins and people who legitimately will not be able to be at their polling precinct on Election Day. Everybody else needs to get off their sorry asses and do what's right.

And Oro Valley can do America a favor and admit just how bad an idea this mail-in election was.

Oracle Road and First Avenue meet in Oro Valley! What the heck?

I was tutoring some young kids in geometry the other day and I told them that parallel lines can only meet at infinity. This one kid said, "No, they don't. They meet at the Fry's in Oro Valley."

Tucson's most selfish driver(s) call Oro Valley home.

I get the Northwest section of The Arizona Daily Star. I can just feel the envy out there. I'm really glad I get that section; it's always good to know what they're serving for lunch at Mesa Verde Elementary School.

Anyway, a couple weeks ago, this Oro Valley guy writes a guest column explaining how he's doing everybody else a favor by coming up to a red light at an intersection on North La Canada, pulling out into the right lane that only exists for a couple hundred feet on either side of the major cross street, and then racing to get ahead of the poor shmoes who were dumb enough to stay in the single-file order they had been in for miles.

This guy claimed that those "extra" lanes are there to help move traffic through the intersection. According to Mr. Selfish, the long line of traffic on (one-lane-each-way) La Cañada is, upon approaching a red light, supposed to break into two lanes of traffic, pass through the intersection and then smoothly re-merge into one lane.

He says that people in Oro Valley know that this is the way things are supposed to be done and that those who stay in line and don't try to race to get ahead of others are in the wrong. If people really think that, Oro Valley must be the Crack Smoking Capital of the World.

I know this entire team of civil and traffic engineers with whom I occasionally play basketball and they say that those extra lanes are added near intersections so that when the road is eventually widened, there won't be construction delays right at the busy intersections. They all say that those lanes do nothing to facilitate the flow of traffic; all they cause are bad feelings and car crashes. They also agree with me that each and every person who jumps out into one of those lanes on La Canada is a rectum.

Despite my print temperament, I'm a safe and careful driver. However, I must admit that I get a real kick on those rare occasions when the first five or six drivers who stayed in the main lane take off in unison and drive fast enough and close enough together to prevent the line cutters from doing their dirty deed.

Myself, I like it when I'm heading north on La Cholla and I catch a red light at Ina. I pull into the right lane and watch as the line cutters pile up behind me. Then, when the light turns green, I take off excruciatingly slowly and then pull into the Albertson's shopping center right before the Cheater's Lane comes to an end, leaving all of the would-be line cutters fuming.

Just doing my part.

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