Police Dispatch

A Rude Awakening

A UA student was dismayed to wake up from a booze-induced slumber to find his room a mess, some of his possessions stolen... and his face defaced with some crude graffiti scrawled in marker by someone apparently not above the most cliché party prank in the book, according to a UA Police Department report.

UA officers met the victim in the UAPD lobby, noting his bloodshot, watery eyes; slurred speech; and boozy-smelling breath—all apparently symptoms leftover from the night before, when, he admitted, he'd drunk a decent amount of Four Loko and taken a Xanax before he "blacked out."

He awoke that morning, he said, to find that his room at the Rawls/Eller Lodge, 1801 E. First St., had been ransacked—with chairs strewn about, keys thrown on the floor, and Four Loko spilled everywhere. He said he was also missing a $50 bill, a sweater and a pair of pricey shoes.

On top of all that, as he showed the officers, on his right hand someone had scrawled the words "Fuck Bars," and on the inside of his left foot was drawn a penis—and (much) worse, when he'd earlier looked at his face in the mirror, he'd discovered another penis drawn on his nose, as well as some more writing on his forehead (whose content he didn't reveal).

He'd been able to wash off the forehead scribbling and the penis on his nose, he said.

The student decided not to press charges after one of his acquaintances later returned his property, effectively admitting guilt for stealing it—and likely for messing up his room (and his face).

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