Police Dispatch

Mike’s Hard-Time Lemonade

Foothills Area

Dec. 7, 1 p.m.

A sad woman with strange "bathroom" habits and a very interesting "signature" was caught stealing a can of vodka spritzer from a convenience store, according to a Pima County Sheriff's Department report.

A sheriff's deputy responded to a "check welfare" call from a north-side Circle K, whose clerk said a short, thin woman had entered, apparently about to buy a can of beer, and then said she didn't have money and left without it—on her way out saying, "Do I look crazy?" and, "There's something wrong with me." The reportee said she looked to have been crying, and other customers had reported seeing her near a dumpster looking unwell.

The deputy found the woman in the rear alley, talking to herself, near a brown-bagged can on the ground. Asked why she was in the alley, "where typically people do not stand," she blankly replied, "I have to go to the bathroom."

The deputy was just asking what that had to do with the alley when he saw that the ground next to her was wet—so he inquired if she'd urinated there. She responded, "Yes, is there something wrong with that?"

The deputy said, "Yes, we have indoor plumbing for that purpose." She didn't reply.

Upon further questioning, though, she did provide her name, saying she lived down the street. Asked about the can in the bag near her feet, which turned out to contain cranberry-flavored Mike's Hard Lemonade, she said she'd purchased it from a Circle K, but not the one they were standing behind... a different Circle K, she swore.

But after being informed that the reportee had found a can of hard lemonade missing from his store, she admitted she'd stolen it and knew it was wrong, but she was "having a hard time and needed a drink."

The deputy simply presented her with a shoplifting citation, which she was willing to sign. On the signature line, however, instead of writing her name, she scribbled out the Bible verse Psalm 116:1 ("I love the Lord, for He heard my voice; He heard my cry for mercy.")

Baffled, the deputy asked if that's how she always signed her name, which she affirmed. She was released.

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