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What an Ass

Foothills Area

Nov. 27, 3:07 a.m.

A drunk white male started a pre-dawn racist ruckus at Walmart when he vociferously attacked a black employee for supposedly looking at his wife's rear end, according to a Pima County Sheriff's Department report.

Called to the Walmart at about 3 a.m. regarding a customer yelling at staff, sheriff's deputies located the subject outside the store and handcuffed him. The man said that he, his wife and his sons had been shopping there for Tupperware when an African-American employee "locked eyes" with "his wife's ass."

This greatly offended him, he said, admitting that once he began confronting the employee, things got "out of hand" and the assistant manager told him to leave.

Numerous witnesses said the subject repeatedly used the "n-word" and yelled, "Fuck you!" at the alleged butt-ogler for eyeing his wife's "ass," threatening to "kick the ass" of the ogler and that of the assistant manager—all while certainly making an ass of himself.

The man conceded that he "may have crossed the line," and when deputies smelled intoxicants on his breath, he said he'd had "four or five" drinks. (He apparently didn't feel a need to explain why he was drunkenly taking his family to shop for food containers well after midnight.)

The man was cited and released on charges of threats and disorderly conduct, having illustrated one more reason for Walmart workers worldwide to lament their jobs.

He Just Needs Some Dorm-Training, That's All

UA Area Nov. 22, 5:33 a.m.

A UA student excused his roommate for urinating all over some of his possessions when the roommate arrived home late and wasted (again), a UA Police Department report stated.

Officers responded to a call from the Graham Hall dorms, 1418 E. Fourth St., where a resident had reported that his dormmate had "urinated on clothing" and was stumbling around their room making incoherent noises.

The reportee said that morning at about 5.a.m., the subject had burst into their room unsteadily and, without a word, immediately began to pee on the reportee's backpack, then on one of his sweaters. The subject was reportedly so unbalanced that he had to hold onto a bed in order to remain standing while he peed.

But the owner of the pissed-on possessions didn't seem very pissed off, saying his roommate often came home drunk—he was used to it.

The UA officers found the subject still standing in the middle of the room, looking confused. He repeatedly insisted he was "good" and wanted to go to bed. Though he denied drunkenness, his eyes were red and watery and he reeked of booze.

A horizontal gaze nystagmus test showed the subject to be intoxicated indeed, and he was told he'd be issued a "student diversion" for underage drinking. His kind roommate declined to file charges against the backpack-urinator for peeing on his stuff.

More by Anna Mirocha

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