Police Dispatch



OCT. 29, 7:19 P.M.

Cheap Chinese food was a man's cuisine of choice when he decided to steal something simply because he missed jail—suggesting a taste for both abominable living quarters and mediocre provisions—a Pima County Sheriff's Department report stated.

Sheriff's deputies were called to a Chinese fast-food restaurant in the Foothills area (notably famous for far pricier dining establishments), where employees had detained a man who'd reportedly sat down, ate a meal and then refused to pay for it.

The man appeared in no hurry to leave the scene and readily admitted to entering the restaurant with only 20 cents—plus the blatant intent of eating without paying.

He told deputies he'd been released from jail three days ago, but he hated his life on the outside—especially being on probation—so much that he'd rather just go back. Since he happened to be hungry, he said, he'd chosen this restaurant as the site of a petty crime to get him in trouble again. (One can only guess as to whether his greatest motive was fondness for second-rate fare, the thrill of repeated arrest or a fear of committing an offense that would necessitate much more jail time all at once.)

Deputies had no choice but to fulfill his wishes and arrest him. They transported him to the Pima County Adult Detention Center, where he likely enjoyed many more meals of questionable quality.



OCT. 28, 6:59 P.M.

According to a PCSD report, someone stole a man's gray goose worth $100 (the avian, not the vodka brand—after all, Grey Goose isn't quite that expensive.)

A sheriff's deputy spoke by phone with the reportee, who said he used to have two geese, one white and one grey. When he came home from work the day before, he said, both birds were still in their backyard pen, but when he'd awoken that morning he found the gray goose missing. He said he bought the bird for $17, but if he were to sell it today, he'd price it at $100.

The man doubted the goose could've escaped on its own but said he had no idea as to who might want to steal it. Omitting the idea that this might have been a prank, he surmised that someone must've wanted it "either as a pet or possibly as dinner."

He didn't ponder why the grey goose might've been more attractive to steal than the white goose—such as whether it was bigger, friendlier or better looking.

Deputies recorded: "Item taken: One goose, grey in color, approximate value: $100." They had no leads on the perpetrator of the foul crime at the time of the report.

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