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Apparently, this is only going to be about naked people from now on

JUST AN ORDINARY PENIS

FOOTHILLS AREA

SEPT. 3, 2:52 P.M.

A housewife's small, hairy, naked neighbor admitted to exposing himself in the hopes of attracting a female passerby, according to a PCSD report.

The housewife told sheriff's deputies that the past two afternoons, she'd been walking her kids home from school when she saw her short, thin, 50-something neighbor in his yard completely nude and facing the street, "totally nonchalant."

She said although she'd distracted her children from him, she definitely saw his penis—and she knew he'd expose himself again.

Asked to describe something that one would only see if the subject were naked, the reportee cited his hairy chest. She "did not have a distinct recollection of ... anything unique or out of the ordinary with his penis."

The next afternoon a deputy went to the man's house and indeed saw him completely naked in his backyard, apparently pulling weeds (probably not a pretty sight)—and then walking toward the street completely exposed.

Upon interview (while clothed) the man initially denied public nudity—but eventually sighed and said he'd been having trouble with his wife and "their sex life (was) basically nonexistent." He also mentioned getting testosterone shots.

The deputy then specifically asked if he thought that by standing outside nude, a female walking by may "proposition him." He stated, "I guess that was wishful thinking," shrugging as if such a motive were pretty normal.

He was cited for indecent exposure.


KIDS THESE DAYS

NORTH FIRST AVENUE

SEPT. 7, 5:30 P.M.

Two very young men were caught after breaking into houses and leaving destruction, silly string and soda cans in their wake, according to a PCSD report.

One victim showed deputies around a house that had obviously been vandalized, with open drawers, ransacked closets, a knifed footstool—and the whole family room filled with silly string.

Deputies saw footprints outside the house matching those found at sites of other recent burglaries and attained a search warrant for a suspect in those cases, a middle-school-age male. After repeatedly denying committing any crimes, the boy finally admitted that he and a friend had been habitually traveling up First Avenue, north of River Road, to walk around the desert there—sometimes stopping to break into any easy-to-enter area houses.

When deputies interviewed that boy's friend, he also initially feigned innocence but eventually admitted to his involvement with the break-ins, saying he was influenced by another boy—an 11-year-old runaway with "mafioso" connections and apparently a handgun.

Items stolen included an iPhone, an iPad, a laptop and at least one root-beer can. (Apparently at several of the targeted houses, the boys had taken soda from inside and carelessly left the cans—rife with fingerprints—outside.)

The boys were booked into the local juvenile detention center.

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