THE SERIAL CEREAL VANDAL
June 3, 5:17 a.m.
Someone repeatedly terrorized a neighborhood at night by dumping various breakfast foods, from dry cereal to eggs, into people's front yards for them to find in the morning, according to a Pima County Sheriff's Department report.
The alleged victim of this crime told sheriff's deputies he'd awoken to discover his porch, steps and driveway completely covered with food—Cheerios, eggs, smashed fruit, preserved fruit salad, cheese and "a bunch" more—obviously placed as a nuisance since large volumes of sticky, hard-to-clean corn syrup had been poured over all the food.
The victim said the food vandal had already struck once before, when only corn syrup and food dyes had been "smeared all around" his front yard—almost as if the vandalism were actually a veiled commentary on the prevalence of health-harming additives in the contemporary food industry.
While the victim was talking, another local resident approached to report that his home had also been hit by the vandal—four times. Once, he said, his house was coated in food dye and "a really sticky substance" (probably corn syrup), that he couldn't remove.
In another incident, this victim said, he found syrup (possibly chocolate this time) dripping off his mailbox, which was ostentatiously topped with a banana sticking straight up next to two apples, "represent(ing) ... male genitalia" (which would detract from, though not entirely discount, any theories about the vandalism as social commentary).
Neither neighbor could think of a possible motive or perpetrator.
Was this a random hoodlum playing with his food to annoy local homeowners—or an obscure yet provocative comment on insalubrious high-fructose corn syrup and dyes pervading supermarket shelves? The report made no conclusion.
IT'S THE IDEA OF THE PENIS THAT COUNTS
June 4, 4:25 p.m.
A homeless man was arrested for urinating in public, although reports of actually sighting his genitalia varied, a PCSD report stated.
Deputies found a dirty, drunk transient who'd been "hanging out" at the entrance to a northwest-side fitness establishment. Both gym staff and patrons allegedly witnessed him peeing there in public that afternoon, with several people saying he'd often loitered nearby in the past, never hesitating to empty his bladder on the building's façade.
Reports differed as to whether his penis had truly been exposed: One staff member said he'd definitely observed it, while a female gym client denied actually seeing it but was reportedly offended by the subject's actions and "worried" she'd be subjected to a penis viewing.
According to the report, the illegality of an act like public urination doesn't necessarily depend on actual genitalia display—only on whether the exploit "alarms or offends" anyone through the very notion of such a display.
For this and other reasons, the subject was easily found in violation of the law, banned from the gym—called "Psychosomatic Fitness"—and jailed.