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GO DIRECTLY TO JAIL; DO NOT COLLECT YOUR DRUG-CARTEL MONEY

DEC. 19, 10:50 A.M.

A man wouldn't stop screaming obscenities—and then wouldn't stop rambling on about drug cartels to deputies, according to a Pima County Sheriff's Department report.

The man's father told a deputy he awoke that morning to find his son "acting crazy" in front of their trailer and cursing loudly at no one in particular.

Deputies found the man in his backyard, where he began screaming again. When they asked him his name, he yelled, "Don't worry about it."

Deputies handcuffed the man, who continued to yell nonsensically during questioning, saying things such as "You see any marks on me?" and "I'm going to call my boss." He declared that his boss could put a deputy "into a coffin" and that he himself knew "how to break a person's neck and put them in a wheelchair."

Asked if he'd been drinking or taking drugs, the man again told deputies not to worry about it.

He then provided more details about his boss, saying that "Chapo" was a dealer for a Mexican cartel. The man also told deputies that he had buried methamphetamine "all over" his father's backyard, and that he himself was powerful in the world of drug cartels. But then he admitted not to having a job, saying he just lived in a trailer and drank beer all day.

He was jailed on suspicion of disorderly conduct.

DARING DOGGIE-DOOR DEEDS

JAN. 24, 12:07 A.M.

Someone used a small doggie door to break into a house, but took only milk, cookies and some chocolate syrup, a PCSD report said.

The homeowner told a deputy she found her back door open when she woke up. She said someone had either squeezed through the doggie door or had somehow been able to reach through the doggie door and unlock the back door, which she said seemed nearly impossible.

The woman said the only things missing from her home were the milk, syrup and cookies. She said she found the containers of syrup and cookies on her front porch (presumably partially consumed).

The deputy surmised the burglar could've been a young homeless man who lived nearby, though evidence didn't rule out it being a mischievous child. The cookie thief remained at large at the time of the report.

More by Anna Mirocha

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