Police Dispatch



SEPT. 26, 7:18 A.M.

A fearful schizophrenic woman dressed in a sheet and trash bag was taken to a safe place after accepting the minor consequences of stealing gum, a Pima County Sheriff's Department report stated.

Sheriff's deputies responded to a south-side Circle K convenience store after a call about a woman who'd possibly just shoplifted something—and was now standing in the road wearing a white sheet (evidently not in anticipation of Halloween) and a garbage bag.

Flagged down by deputies, she told them she was schizophrenic and in fear for her life, though it was unclear why. She said she lived at a hotel and was trying to get to the hospital. Once it was determined she wasn't in danger of purposefully hurting herself, she was offered a ride to the Community Partnership of Southern Arizona Crisis Response Center for help—and she enthusiastically said "she would really like to go."

Though apparently dressed in a sheet, the subject did carry a small nylon bag, which she readily allowed deputies to search, stating that there was nothing inside she wasn't supposed to have. But deputies found in it a pack of gum with one piece missing—which the subject immediately admitted to stealing from the Circle K.

She was given a shoplifting citation and transported to the Crisis Response Center. The report failed to elaborate on the issue of her garb.



SEPT. 28, 9:31 A.M.

Belying all knowledge of basic physics, and for no apparent reason, a person (or people) tried to steal some remarkably heavy feline yard statues—by bike, a PCSD report stated.

A sheriff's deputy met the reportee of the crime at her home, where she said she'd arisen that morning to find that two relatively massive ornamental lions had mysteriously moved from their former place sitting on her front porch. As the lions were composed of concrete, it was surmised that they'd been moved by a person (or people)—and on bicycles at that, since new bike-tire skid marks were found near the lions' former perch.

But whoever moved the lions obviously hadn't gotten very far: One lion (at least a couple feet tall and of a very great weight) had been moved only as far as her driveway and then abandoned intact.

The other lion—not so lucky—had also been moved but was found broken into pieces, apparently dropped fairly near the porch.

The reporting deputy surmised that the wannabe thief or thieves had momentarily balanced each statue on a bike's handlebars and started transporting it before being forced to give up the caper and flee the scene, leaving the lions.

The victim was told to contact the PCSD with any further information on the possible perps.

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