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A Series of Ridiculous Events

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A Series of Ridiculous Events

East Sixth Street

Jan. 13, 10:36 p.m.

A junkie nabbed driving while high didn't let his extreme impairment stop him from pretending he wasn't—resulting in a long night for the cop who caught him, according to a University of Arizona Police Department report.

A UA officer pulled over a car driving without headlights. As he was approaching the stopped vehicle, the driver accidentally activated its windshield wipers at full speed, then inexplicably thrust his palm out the window at the officer.

When he arrived at the car, it started rolling down the street. The driver finally put it in park at the cop's command (and hopefully stopped the wipers, too).

The driver then started digging around and extracting miscellaneous items, like a tooth-whitening kit—which he "held up to show" the officer for some reason—and paperwork, like a handwritten note and a prescription receipt, which he examined by "putting his face approximately 6 inches from it." At one point he cried, "My dad does have insurance!" (affirming it was his father's vehicle), shortly thereafter saying it was his friend's.

He finally pulled a temporary driver's license from his pocket. Unfortunately it wasn't his; he said it was his "buddy's Johnny."

He was slurring and "fidgety," oddly alternating "between talkative and silent," with his pants gaping open unzipped. An uncapped syringe and glass pipe sat in the center console.

Asked about the needle, the subject responded, "My ear?"

The reporting officer and a back-up took the subject through field-sobriety tests, which he decisively failed (at one point bending over to tie his already-tied shoe). Learning he had two warrants, they handcuffed him. Inside the car they found a baggie of heroin and two heroin-filled syringes. Pieces of burnt-residue-covered foil littered the floorboards...alongside more foil fragments strangely wrapped around gummy-bear candies.

The subject's pockets contained yet more syringes, a residue-filled pipe, and a dried-blood-covered tying-off band, which he said were his sister's, first claiming he was returning them to her, then claiming he'd confiscated them from her. (Specifically "he was helping clean her room earlier and took the paraphernalia because she was trying to get clean.")

He was taken to jail and booked on the warrants, paraphernalia and drug possession, and driving under the influence.

More by Anna Mirocha

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