Police Dispatch 

Barking Mad

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Barking Mad

North Painted Hills Road

Nov. 29, 3:41 a.m.

A drunk man yelling at a tree disturbed a northside couple getting ready for bed late one night, a Pima County Sheriff's Department report stated.

The sheriff's deputy first on scene saw a man standing in the street unsteadily yelling "Fuck you!" and other profanities ... clearly addressing a palo verde tree.

The man was too drunk give the officer his name, but he was able to produce an ID before he "began to babble," spontaneously yell, and occasionally "place his hands in the air in surrender." At times he'd try to address the officer's concerns but with "erroneous statements"; then he'd "have outbursts and would yell and curse."

The officer said if he continued to yell, he'd have to be arrested—to which the subject responded, "Fine." He was handcuffed and placed in a patrol vehicle, where he continued to yell and talk to himself, sweating profusely.

A backup officer arrived to interview the reportee (by chance, an off-duty Tucson Police Department cop), who said he and his wife had been preparing for bed when they heard someone outside yelling, "You're fucked!" and other things that were incomprehensible. He said the man had definitely disturbed their peace.

While driving the subject to jail, the first officer read him his Miranda rights and—once the man said he understood—tried to question him about what he'd been doing that night. But the subject would only talk about "cults, clans and (how) his life is in danger, along with (the officer's) life." Throughout the whole ride, he'd threaten to kill the officer and then "would just go into jibberish."

The man didn't appear to be homeless—and in fact had a wallet full of his own credit cards—so officers never learned why he'd been on the street at all.

One Tough Customer, One Soft Car

San Xavier District

Nov. 26, 12:14 a.m.

A pissed-off patron possibly "vandalized" the car of a discount-store employee using hair conditioner, according to a PCSD report.

Shortly after midnight a sheriff's deputy drove to a southwest-side Family Dollar to meet with the store's manager, who'd reported someone had keyed her car. She showed the officer her Ford Fusion outside, which he saw was covered in "some type of foamy liquid." Less noticeable but also evident were a few "white scratches" in the paint that reportedly hadn't been there before.

The manager confidently asserted that the "foamy liquid" was hair conditioner, though she didn't say how she knew that. She seemed equally confident in identifying the vandal as "a customer she'd banned from the store," though she likewise didn't explain why she thought so—nor, unfortunately, did she have any security-camera footage documenting the incident.

More by Anna Mirocha


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