Police Dispatch

Between a Concrete Bench-Like Object and a Hard Place

"It's just been a couple of Keystones man!"

UA Area, April 20, 3:15 a.m.

A lost, super-wasted, underage frat boy seemed unperturbed by his disorientation and inability to walk, until cops entered the picture and he had a complete meltdown, according to a University of Arizona Police Department report.

One Saturday's predawn hours, a UA officer responded to Fourth Street and Vine Avenue to check on a student reportedly so drunk he was repeatedly falling down. The officer found the young man "stumbling around/staggering" near a stop sign before he decided to simply lie down on a "concrete bench-like object that serves as some sort of venting system...placing his head on a basketball-sized rock and using it as a pillow."

He found so much comfort in this rock-hard chaise that he didn't respond to the approaching officer till he was yelled at. Opening his eyes and (unsuccessfully) trying to stand, he surrendered his driver's license, which showed him as 18, and declared he'd just had "a couple Keystone beers" with his fraternity "by his own choice."

Refusing field-sobriety tests, he appeared "agitated" until another officer arrived and it dawned on him that he was being cited. Then he gave way to despair, begging for "another chance," since he'd already been caught drinking numerous times (i.e., been given many previous "chances") and would be in big trouble for this. He "hunched over" and commenced openly weeping.

After tearfully signing his citation, he was escorted to his dorm (actually quite nearby), which at least had real pillows.

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