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First-Impression Regression

click to enlarge "All these kids care about is 'is this wifi organic?' "

"All these kids care about is 'is this wifi organic?' "

North Park Avenue

Nov. 3, 10:32 p.m.

An inebriated college student was surprisingly good at hiding his drunkenness when he first met campus cops. He gave it all away when he opened his mouth (both to speak and to take breathalyzers), a University of Arizona Police report stated.

UA officers responded to the Manzanita-Mohave Residence Hall, 1000 N. Park Ave., about a call describing a "drunk and belligerent student" letting loose in the hallway. They located the subject easily but found him puzzlingly calm and self-possessed. With clear, dry, sober-looking eyes and emitting absolutely no smell of alcohol, he led them decorously from the hall to his room.

But as soon as he opened his mouth to speak (while swearing he hadn't been drinking), his slurred words began betraying him. Asked point-blank to tell the truth, he again denied drinking—then immediately flipped his answer to, "Yes, sir." Asked how much he'd imbibed, he said, "I've just been having a good time." His former composure then totally unraveled as he became "unable to answer basic questions."

Two preliminary breath tests showed his breath alcohol level to be extremely high.

Two of the dorm's residence assistants told the cops that before their arrival, the subject had seemed totally wasted—they "thought he needed help" because the first thing he said to them was "something about a small penis." Subsequently, they said, he couldn't even give his name or room and started "getting in the RAs' faces," going back and forth between saying stuff like, 'I'm going to mess you up' and then being very cooperative."

By now the officers had deemed this young student drunk enough to need an ambulance. When EMTs asked him twice what month it was, both times all he could utter was, "2021."

He was taken to the hospital for stabilization and set up for enrollment in the university's underage-drinking diversion program.

More by Anna Mirocha

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