Police Dispatch 

One-Eyed Snake in the Grass

The Del Lago Golf Club and a squirting eggplant emoji walked into a bar...

The Del Lago Golf Club and a squirting eggplant emoji walked into a bar...

East Vîa Rancho del Lago, Vail

Nov. 6, 6:10 a.m.

An unknown vandal in Vail gave new meaning to the term "massive erection" by producing one of Southern Arizona's largest and most costly pieces of penis graffiti on a posh golf course southeast of Tucson proper: a large "illustration" of the organ—apparently in its peak state of excitement—engraved on the green, according to a Pima County Sheriff's Department report.

Just before sunrise a sheriff's deputy responded to the course at the Del Lago Golf Club, 14155 E. Via Rancho del Lago, where the groundskeeper said his crew had alerted him to "some damage" on the number-3 green.

Approaching that green, the deputy indeed noticed "something dug into the grass." As he got closer, he saw it was in fact a huge rendering of what his report minced no words in describing as "an ejaculating penis." Evidently, the groundskeeper said, the artist had used the green's flag as his tool and the turf as his medium, hacking away at the sod with the flag's shaft so that soil stood out against grass to ultimately produce this erotic art piece affecting approximately 200 square feet of the course.

The reporting deputy said the work would cost "approximately $1,**00" (more than $1,000, in other words) to undo.

No suspects were identified at the time of the report.

More by Anna Mirocha


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