Police Dispatch

Flip Out With Your Junk Out!

Don't use your penis as a weapon, guys.

San Xavier Beat

June 28, 5:53 p.m.

After urinating in a convenience-store parking lot, a man started a fight with a stranger while his penis hung out of his pants—so drunk that he forgot to put away his junk, according to a Pima County Sheriff's Department report. Then, upon arrest, he described his "tool" to sheriff's deputies as an actual weapon.

Deputies were called to a southwest-side Circle K, where the clerk reported a large, apparently intoxicated male acting extremely hostile toward customers outside the store; when the man tried to physically fight with two different men in the parking lot, the clerk called 911.

Officers arrived to find the subject clenching his fists and yelling at the clerk —who was still clutching the phone—with his face "within inches of (the clerk's) face." One deputy immediately restrained the man, despite his resistance, noticing the subject's watery eyes, red face, slurred speech, boozy breath and inability to walk properly.

Meanwhile, the other deputy interviewed a witness outside, who said he'd seen the subject stumble into the Circle K's parking lot from a bar across the street, shortly thereafter shoving a random male on a bicycle, who fled the scene. When the clerk emerged to tell the subject to leave, this witness said, the subject shoved him and then started arguing with yet another random male—a pedestrian—outside the store. He then apparently "had to pee," casually proceeding to do so on a nearby wall.

The pedestrian—the third target of the subject's tirade—told a deputy that right after the subject left the wall he was urinating on, he aggressively approached the pedestrian with "his penis sticking out of the zipper of his pants." The subject was in fact reportedly still peeing—"urinating on himself, as well as the ground"—as he walked toward the pedestrian, and then shoving this man too, while simultaneously urinating on the pedestrian's shoe.

The pedestrian victim clarified that he "could see the male subject's penis in full view."

At this point, the subject—in handcuffs—was told he was under arrest for indecent exposure and numerous other infractions, and was asked if he carried any weapons—to which he replied simply, "My dick."

The male struggled against his arresting deputy, repeatedly screaming "Fuck you!" but was eventually placed by force in a patrol vehicle and taken to jail. (No actual weapons were found on his person, although some might argue he'd indeed used his penis as a physical weapon—with his urine as a projectile—as well as to inflict psychological harm.)