Police Dispatch

Mission: Improbable

North Oracle Road, Aug. 9, 9:14 a.m.

A transient insisted he was carrying out an elaborate investigation against a drug-dealing acquaintance, according to a Pima County Sheriff's Department report.

A sheriff's deputy met with the man at a Coco's Restaurant, where the subject had requested to "have some coffee and talk." Due to the man's somewhat intoxicated condition and apparent mental-health issues, the deputy elected to interview him outside instead. The man reported that he had been assaulted by a longtime acquaintance at about 3 a.m. that morning. He displayed injuries backing up his claim.

However, he seemed less interested in reporting the assault than in describing an apparently unrelated cocaine- and marijuana-dealing operation his attacker was allegedly running out of a Shell gas station. The reportee said he had been infiltrating the operation. He claimed to be outfitted with a GPS tracking unit and recording device, but refused to reveal the equipment. He also said he was being paid to perform his duties, but would not say by whom. This was "Mission: Impossible," he said--"the real thing."

The subject expressed great interest in helping law enforcement. He cautioned that he might have to use some drugs to maintain his believability within the operation, but requested, of course, that he not be "busted" for doing so.

Asked for contact information, the man said he was a "transient officer" and did not have a phone or a single residence--his job was easier that way.

He was advised to call law enforcement if he observed further criminal activity.

Home Sweet Porch

West Valencia Road, Aug. 9, 4:56 a.m.

An intoxicated man, unable to walk on his own, was picked up by law enforcement, according to a PCSD report.

A sheriff's deputy encountered the subject outside an AM/PM in a large puddle of liquid, which--judging by its location and smell--was surmised to be urine. The man explained that he was on his way to his ranch on Sierrita Mountain Road, approximately 15 miles away. Asked if he needed a ride home, he stated that he would "just walk."

After great effort and a stumble, the subject rose to his feet and purposefully walked straight into the deputy, as if he wasn't there. The subject then fell against the wall of the AM/PM. Advising the subject "not to try to walk through" him, the deputy forced the man to sit down. The man's true address--not a ranch--was located, and paramedics and firemen assisted him to the deputy's vehicle, where the deputy searched him "the best he was able without getting urine on his hands."

The man was driven to his residence and deposited on the porch.

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