Police Dispatch


West Orange Grove Road, April 5, 3:42 p.m.

A drunk and belligerent man wreaked poolside havoc and took off a little too much clothing, according to a Pima County Sheriff's Department report.

The person reporting the incident said she had been at her apartment complex's pool with her 10-year-old daughter when a 30-something male in boxer shorts approached them in the water. He told her to "fuck off," then commanded her to go back to his apartment with him. When she refused, he got out of the water, yelled profanities and made odd noises. Facing three other young children at the pool, he pulled down his shorts and exposed himself. Luckily, the reportee was able to turn her daughter away when the man had his shorts pulled one-fourth of the way down.

The man then got into a heated argument with another female, whose cell phone and sweatshirt he--wearing wet boxers--had sat upon. Witnesses say he had been drinking large quantities of vodka.

When sheriff's deputies located the man at the complex, he screamed, "Fuck you!" and ran to the apartment he was staying in (not his own). A deputy knocked on the door, and he opened it, appearing sorry and admitting he had "messed up again." But upon being arrested, he became violent and vulgar, saying, "Fuck you, pig!" and making handcuffing difficult. He was arrested for disorderly conduct.

A search of his person located no contraband, since he was wearing only boxer shorts.

Reading Too Much Kierkegaard

UA Area, April 10, 8:50 a.m.

A bicycling lawbreaker got into trouble after questioning physical reality and refusing to own a true identity, said a UA Police Department report.

On patrol near Fourth Street and Cherry Avenue, a UA officer noticed a middle-age man bicycling on the sidewalk and told him that was not allowed. The man became agitated and stated, "This is not a bicycle." When notified that his mode of transportation was indeed "considered a bike," the man began to debate with the officer whether or not what he had been riding on was a sidewalk.

Asked for identification, the man refused to produce an ID card but eventually gave the name "Auther Schwartzchild," the report said. When no name matches were found in the UA database, the subject asserted it was because he was named after his grandfather, who had been in a Nazi prison camp. The man was booked for failure to produce evidence of identification, false reporting to law enforcement and riding on the sidewalk. Asked if he would submit to testing by a DNA-verification machine, the man said, "Only if you get a warrant. Otherwise, I will sit here for years."

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