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Police Dispatch: Wasted Effort 

North Oracle Road

Feb. 22, 5:50 p.m.

An extremely intoxicated northside man made a valiant attempt at appearing alert and composed when caught illegally behind the wheel ... until learning he was going to jail—at which point he totally made up for it, according to an Oro Valley Police Department report.

A park ranger called OVPD for backup regarding a male in a blue Dodge near the entrance to Catalina State Park, 11570 N. Oracle Road. The ranger first saw the truck parked "at an odd angle" facing the Visitors' Center before it suddenly zoomed straight toward the building, nearly hitting an informational sign near the doorway.

Police officers were on the scene quickly enough to stop the man still near the park. They saw his driver's license required his vehicle to have an ignition-interlock device—which it didn't.

When the reporting officer got a close look at his face, he saw the man was apparently trying his utmost to look sharp "His eyelids were (so) wide open," in fact, that "his eyes were bulging from his head," and "he would keep his eyes open for extended periods of time" without blinking. Initially the man was incredibly cooperative, trying to speak and move minimally.

Asked to exit his truck, he had to lean heavily on his door for support just to stand up, but he seemed to decide it was OK to keep clinging to the door as long as he was upright. He listened quietly and attentively to his Miranda rights and promptly nodded in agreement to answering questions.

Responding to the first question—how much alcohol he'd consumed that day—he simply said, "Nothing," though slurring so badly the word was difficult to understand (emitting "an overwhelming odor of intoxicants" even during that brief opening of his mouth). He similarly communicated a firm denial of having ingested any drugs while his watery, bloodshot eyes continued to "bulge."

Asked if he was capable of some field sobriety tests, he stated (slurred), "Of course." Meanwhile the officer "noted that he appeared to have urinated in his pants."

Since he was absolutely unfit for completing the tests—unable to keep his gaze steady and repeatedly falling when trying to stand unassisted—he agreed to a preliminary breath test.

This showed his intoxication level to be more than four times the legal limit.

Finally, as he was handcuffed for drunk driving and placed in the patrol vehicle, the subject suddenly seemed to realize his drunkenness had been detected.

He almost instantaneously turned from passive to aggressive. First he started—and wouldn't stop—kicking the front seat. Then, placed in leg restraints, he started loudly haranguing the arresting officer with the initial statement, "You realize when I get out of this motherfucker, I should just pummel your ass."

He continued to yell random curses throughout the rest of the car trip and his booking process, continuing his obscene screams even from an isolated holding cell.

More by Anna Mirocha

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