Tuesday, April 13, 2021

Movie Review: Oh Man, This Movie is STOOPID!!!!

Posted By on Tue, Apr 13, 2021 at 4:15 PM

I know many of you are aching to get back to the theaters and see a movie on the big screen. You have some options at the moment.

Don't allow the movie below to be an option you choose...this film will kill brain cells.

FILM REVIEW: VOYAGERS


Some kids get put on a spaceship where they will grow up with their ability to sense pleasure dulled by a blue liquid drug that looks like Nyquil. This is supposed to keep them from going crazy with desire on a long space haul to colonize another planet. The trip to another world will take 86 years, so their grandchildren will actually be the populators of the new world.

So, at some point, one of the kids figures out that the Nyquil shit is making them dull as fuck, and they decide not to drink it anymore. Chaos ensues as the teenagers feel each other’s dicks and stuff for the first time, and the whole expedition is put in jeopardy.

So, my question is this: Why the hell would you spend trillions of dollars on a spaceship, meticulously plan a civilization-saving expedition, and not be totally sure that the kids don’t say “Ah, screw it, let’s not drink this stuff!” You couldn’t come up with some way to 100% ensure that the crew would be drugged at all times. Your entire endeavor just rests on the shoulders of some twit kids who will most assuredly rebel and go Lord of the Flies on y’all. That’s a lot of money you’ve thrown at a mission where you are hoping kids never figure out they are being abused and used.

Therein lies the main problem with writer-director Neil Burger’s film, Voyagers, that main problem being that the entire premise is ridiculous, useless and inane. The kids predictably deciding not to drink the Nyquil happens real early, and the silliness of that premise infects the entire remaining running time.

And, yes, this is a thinly veiled, unofficial, sci-fi remake of Lord of the Flies. Instead of Jack, the villain is named Zac (The names rhyme!). Instead of the fake Beast, you have an “alien.” You have the one nice kid trying to lead while the bad kid wants to control the food and go primal. There’s no writing credit for William Golding, who wrote the original Flies. He’s dead, but if he were alive, he’d be all like “Hey assholes…pay me!”

Johnny Depp’s daughter is in this, along with one of the kids from The Tree of Life, and Colin Farrell looking wholly embarrassed. That’s all you need to know about the casting.

The art direction is unimaginative, the dialogue is unintentionally hilarious and, as mentioned before, this is one of the stupidest movies ever made. Voyagers is an early contender for the year’s worst. Worst…Nyquil…commercial…ever.

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