Grand Old Poops

To the Editor,

First let me say how much I love your paper. It puts both local dailies to shame. What I'm really writing is for Tom Danehy's columns, especially this last one ("Philly Cheese Stakes," August 10). He showed what the GOP really is: a group of all-exclusive, rich homophobic jerks who care more about their school vouchers and what new tax break they can qualify for than anything else.

Keep up the good writing, Tom.

--Martin Bernal

To the Editor,

Given that Tom Danehy himself is a Democrat, comments that he makes about Republicans must be taken with a grain of salt roughly the size of Saturn. The fact that he willingly belongs to one of the two parties that currently run things (into the ground, for the most part) indicates to me that wise people do not let him have sharp objects to play with. So I will go slowly and try to use simple words so he can follow what I say.

First, Danehy is from Arizona, so he doesn't even have the slightest notion as to what constitutes a crooked politician. Hell, he thinks Evan Mecham and Alan Lang are crooked. But you could give either a one-way ticket to anywhere in Texas and they would not even cause a ripple. Bush-league, son, pure bush-league. As far as Texas politics goes, everyone else is second-string.

Now, as to his comments on J. C. Watts: A man whose avowed party contains in its ranks such major grifters as Charlie Rangle, David Bonior, Barney Frank and Maxine Waters should reflect on statements calling Watts "the crookedest person in the whole House of Representatives" lest he hurt their feelings by making them feel slighted. I fully expect that someday soon the venality and corruption will hit critical mass and all 435 members will spontaneously combust. The results will make Hiroshima look like a fizzled cherry bomb.

In any case, any man who belongs to a party of which Ted Kennedy is a member should be hiding in shame in a cave rather than hurling insults at the other pack of rascals.

And as for the whole racial question, let me remind Danehy that 40 years ago, it wasn't Republicans in control down South. Lester Maddox, Orville Faubus, George Wallace, George Smathers and that whole crowd that passed Jim Crow laws were Democrats, son. Memory is short.

Thanks to Danehy and others like him, we have a choice between Tweedledum and Tweedledummy. Oh frabjous day! Who nominated Al Gore? I personally think that beavers got him the nomination, as he's so wooden they go into spasms of positively orgasmic delight when he enters a room. As for George Bush, Danehy should be grateful. At least he can have crayons; they probably had to take Dubya's away. And at that, I'd STILL take him over Al "no controlling legal authority" Gore. But just because he's Danehy's scoundrel, that doesn't make him any less a scoundrel.

--Robert Reynolds

Misguided Angel

To the Editor,

Tom Burns' astonishingly inept analogy of sneaking into England to see a play versus the efforts of undocumented migrants (or "illegal aliens"; frankly, the words just don't matter) to sneak into the U.S. for work (Alien Landings, August 17) is so misguided and contemptible that I barely know where to begin.

First off, there is the idea that the two goals (that of seeing a play versus that of trying to find a way to keep one's family from starving to death) are somehow similar. This is the most incredibly Marie-Antoinette-esque load of horseshit I've ever had the misfortune of reading. To even suggest this connection shows a lack of understanding of human suffering so profound as to invoke a sense of nausea. If Mr. Burns misses his play, is his family going to die? If so, then he'd damn well better sneak into England to see it; otherwise he'd be something of a moral leper.

Next, his patronizing attempts to imply that the migrants/aliens just don't have the patience to wait for "that passport, immunization and customs stuff" makes clear the writer's basic ignorance of what is and isn't possible for a person with no money to accomplish, especially in certain baja-Arizonan countries where graft rules. I mean, does this guy really, honestly, think that these people try to cross the godforsaken desert on foot in the middle of the summer, and often die as a result, because they are too impatient to wait for a passport?

Finally, there is his closing remark, "Sometimes you have to wait, just like a grownup." So, uh, all migrants/aliens are, uhm, like, sooooo immature?

Send this dick somewhere where he doesn't have the freedom of speech he takes for granted; he's an embarrassment to those of us who actually have a soul, and I hope to God the "real" aliens don't take his letter as a measure of human compassion.

-- John F. Gatty

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