Here Come the Fun Police 

Probably the only article you'll read this week that uses car sex as part of an extended metaphor

I was minding my own business one night last week, fucking a girl in a parked car, when a Tucson police cruiser rolled up directly across the street. The officer didn't get out.

Instead, he just hovered over there in his car, generally being noticed and silently threatening to ruin a perfectly enjoyable and wildly intense good time that was happening between two consenting adults in the privacy of their own back seat. After a few minutes, he drove away, so the, um, festivities continued. Then a few minutes later, he came back. This time he flashed his spotlight from across the street in a clear, Get-The-Fuck-Out-Of-Here fit of heartless interference.

We left, one of us with her shirt on inside-out, which may or may not have been noticed on a subsequent brief trip to Hotel Congress. I filed the incident away in the That Just Happened file.

A few days later, Eric Holder drove his federal law enforcement vehicle away from the curb across the street from America's cannabis users, effectively saying he doesn't really care if they fuck each others brains out in the privacy of their own back seats, as long as they don't fuck any children or serve as a front for major sex cartels. The federal squad car will no longer flash its spotlight on dispensary operators—even if they try to make money.

I am a huge fan of this new cannabis fuckfest.

Cops however, are not. Before the stains had dried on the back seats of America's cannabis dispensaries, local law enforcement officers collectively threw a fit. The leaders of seven associations signed a letter whining about the change, which incidentally could make their jobs a lot easier, should their states choose to end cannabis prohibition.

"It is unacceptable that the Department of Justice did not consult our organizations—whose members will be directly impacted—for meaningful input ahead of this important decision," they said.

I'm not really sure how these local sheriff's deputies and police will be impacted, other than potentially losing a shit-ton of federal money associated with cannabis prohibition. Isn't this what cops want? Less crime? Holder's announcement effectively eliminates an entire category of crime, one that cops will no longer have to worry about. It likely pulls the plug on dozens of investigations under way across the nation, freeing up hundreds of law enforcement officers and uncounted numbers of man-hours to be used for something that matters.

But I'm skeptical.

I hope Eric Holder and the rest of the federal cock blockers will stay gone, now that they've driven away. The Obama administration has driven away before, claiming legit cannabis dispensaries operating within state law would be left alone. Then they drove around the block, came back and flashed their spotlight in the car numerous times—in Washington, Michigan, Colorado and other states. Hundreds of cannabis copulators in numerous states yanked on their pants and skirts and went home.

My problem with all of this is that I've figuratively fucked a lot of girls in parked cars. I've had the spotlight flashed at me more than a few times, and the cops always seem to come back. Cops enjoy splashing water on fucking couples, and they always seem to find a way to do it. So I hope they can back off and just let people go at it the way God and Eric Holder intended. I hope they leave us alone and just look the other way if they see us making out in the back seat.

All we're trying to do is get some.

More by J.M. Smith

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    • May 15, 2014
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    • May 8, 2014
  • The End Is Near

    Mr. Smith reflects on the life of his caretaker as he rages against the dying of the light
    • May 1, 2014
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