Guest Commentary

Some post-election headlines I'd like to see

In order to truly understand the magnitude of the cataclysm that hit Congress on Election Day, one must consider that the incumbent party retained the same vote-stealing advantages they exploited two years ago. Yet, in the end, the warmongering, minor-soliciting, lobbyist-sucking Republicans could only stand on the beach with their crooked voting machines in their back pockets and watch the Democratic tsunami come a-hammerin' down.

I guess you could call it a mandate.

How the mandate plays out over the next two years is anybody's guess, but here is one observer's Blueprint for Democratic Domination, laid out in the spirit of good old MAD magazine's "Headlines We'd Like to See."

HARRY REID YIELDS THE FLOOR. With startling candor, Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid removes himself from the incoming majority leader post, citing his sleazy land deals and cozy ties with Nevada "gambling" interests. "I do not wish to blunt my party's momentum before we even take control," says Reid in his patently annoying voice. "For the good of my party, I will stand aside. What the hell--I'll be rich either way."

HILLARY CLINTON TAKES CONTROL. Finally exhibiting the sense to seize a good strategy when they see it, the Democrats opt for a four-fisted female housecleaning. "The boys have been fuckin' it up long enough," Clinton crows as she joins Nancy Pelosi as the first female leaders of Congress. "It's time for a little chick-power ass-kicking."

RUMSFELD ELIGIBLE FOR EXTRAORDINARY RENDITION. Under the new Democratic Congress, former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld is remanded to Uzbekistan for special hearings into the war in Iraq. After a few sessions of waterboarding and German shepherds, he finally admits what everyone else already knows: The whole premise for the war came straight out of his tight Republican ass and had nothing to do with reality.

DEMOCRATS PASS ON IMPEACHMENT. Sensing that their majority is not enough to take down George W. Bush for various crimes and misdemeanors, Democratic leaders decide not to waste their time and energy going after the lamest duck in U.S. presidential history. "We're much better off letting him twist in the wind for the next two years," says Pelosi. "In fact, we're going to move a bill to increase the funding and profile of his weekly radio address, so everyone in the nation gets to hear what this morally defective moron has to say for himself."

KARL ROVE: "BUSH THE ONLY MAN I'VE EVER LOVED." A pathetically contrite Karl Rove emerges from a grueling three-day session with Dr. Phil and immediately announces his escape from the closet, along with his long repressed desire for the president. "Those hollow blue eyes," sobs the erstwhile guru of gay bashing. "The embarrassingly childlike character. How could I resist?"

DEMOCRATS TO BEAM "SUBLIMINABLE" MESSAGES INTO WHITE HOUSE. In an effort to reduce embattled President Bush's dangerous levels of anxiety and forestall World War III, Democratic leaders announce a plan to secretly broadcast sub-audible messages over the White House intercom. Their first message will repeat every five minutes for the next week: "Kim Jong-il is not the boss of me. Saddam had it coming. My penis is normal."

CLINTON DYNASTY CONTINUES. With Vice President-elect Bill Clinton at her side, President-elect Hillary Clinton accepts vanquished Vice President Dick Cheney's concession speech with characteristic graciousness: "Go fuck yourself, Dick!"

TRANSITION TEAM OPENS FIRE ON CLINTONS. In a stunning coda to the 2008 landslide Democratic victory, George W. Bush and Dick Cheney refuse to vacate the Oval Office and instead offer a volley of gunfire when the Clintons approach. "They were bunkered down pretty good, so we had to light it up," says the new commander in chief, who finally corners a badly wounded W and beats him savagely about the head and neck with a shovel.

ATTORNEY GENERAL JANET NAPOLITANO ANNOUNCES INDICTMENTS. The entire Republican Party, except for little-known Pima County Supervisor Ray Carroll, is indicted for "not playing well with others." In a related story, Napolitano details the legal nuances of a new guest-worker plan, wherein thousands of honest, hardworking Mexicans will be flown to Washington to help hundreds of defeated Republicans clean out their desks.

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