Guest Commentary

In Dubya's own words, the Bush vocabulary: From A to (almost) Z

ALGORITHM: I think that's got something to do with waves, like when there's a new wave of environmental regulations proposed by Al Gore.

AUDIT: Obviously, this would be the highest cause of anxiety in our circle, maybe followed by divorce or Dick Cheney's untimely death.

BANK: This is a place--let's call it an institution, if you will--that processes government checks for the immediate transfer of wealth to the homeless, jobless and lazy.

BIG BUSINESS: Employer of the people. 'Nuff said.

BLACK HOLE: Don't know much about science, really, but I believe that's the place where money for poverty programs ends up.

CAMELOT: Don't know much about geographically, really, but I think that's a mythical sunken city, kinda like Atlantis. 'Cept it's found nearer Chappaquiddick than the mid-Atlantic.

CATCH 22: I liked the movie, although I didn't understand it. The relevance to me is that whatever the projected budget for a government program is, the actual cost always seems to be triple, for some reason. But you'd have to ask CIVICS: These are poor people who live in trailer parks and drive old Hondas.

CIVILIZATION: Got something to do with ancient Greece.

CLASS ENVY: Envy that occurs in people who don't have any class.

COMMUNIST: A socialist who goes to gun shows.

DEFICIT REDUCTION FORMULA: A formula with so much math in it that even Einstein couldn't figure it out, so why try?

DEFICIT SPENDING: The buying of American people's votes with money they haven't yet earned. Tragic, but unavoidable.

DEMOCRAT: Someone who is afraid you have more than him. Unless you're Kerry.

ENDANGERED SPECIES: We upper class, of course.

GLOBAL WARMING: This is the effect on the polar ice caps of increased carbon dioxide caused by the burning of oil fields by terrorists.

GREED: Not to put too fine a point on it, but it's a good thing.

GREENHOUSE EFFECT: The effect any prospect of spending more greenbacks has on members of the House.

HUMAN RIGHTS: The rights that liberals grant spotted owls on an equal basis with starving lumberjacks.

JOBLESS BENEFITS: Benefits for being jobless, I suppose.

LIBERAL: That's easy. It's a near-sighted person prescribing rose-colored glasses.

MEDICARE: A government agency which--correct me if I'm wrong--accepts a bill of $900 for a pack of Band-Aids.

MILITARY: The source of all our power and respect and glory. Unfortunately, it's also the only place the subversive elements in our society go in order to cut "waste."

MONEY: If it was a liquor, Ted Kennedy would go belly up, wouldn't he?

MULTICULTURALISM: A paradox of cooking where, ya know, some ingredient of the melting pot just refuses to mix. Like Jesse Jackson.

NATIONAL ENDOWMENT FOR THE ARTS: A taxpayer-financed agency that sponsors assorted nudists and wackos who could never make it on their own.

NATIONAL HEALTH CARE: A plan to make healthy people pay for everyone who smokes too much, drinks too much and watches Wheel of Fortune while pigging out on potato chips and pork rinds.

POLITICS: A shell game played by blind people betting with money that should be mine, my friend.

POVERTY: Just call it a crippling social disease that spreads to the immediate environment.

REPUBLICAN: A good fella, kinda like Nero was. Someone who stays at Caesar's Palace.

SEX: The one thing Bill Clinton might have taught me that I secretly wanted to learn.

SOCIAL SECURITY: Something to do with IOUs. Ask Dick here about that.

SUBSIDY: Something Uncle Sam gives you because you're too stupid to make it on your own.

TAX SHELTER: That's heaven, or as we Bush league boys like to call it, "haven."

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