Guest Commentary

The musings of a logician stuck in Tucson traffic

If God is love, and love is blind, then A) Blind Lemon Jefferson is God; B) Ray Charles is God; C) Either way, things are gonna be bad for Whitey in the afterlife.

2) If God is my co-pilot, and I have a grand mal seizure while at the controls, then A) The Lord will take over and land us safely on the closest runway; B) The Lord will take over and fly me straight to heaven; C) We will die horribly in a mass of mangled flesh, metal and high-country chaparral; D) What's up with giving me epilepsy in the first place?

3) If "this vehicle will be empty in case of The Rapture," then A) It will not be a sin if I siphon the gas out; B) I can take a dump in the passenger seat and get away with it; C) How in the hell was I supposed to know you'd only gone into the Circle K for cigarettes?

4) If it's the case that "the truth will set you free," then A) That woman with the righteous cleavage shouldn't have thrown that drink in your face; B) Being sin-free doesn't necessarily pre-empt a long stint in the Big House; C) John Paul Sartre said a person's always got a choice, even if he's got a gun to his head, whatever the fuck that means.

5) If accepting Jesus Christ as your own personal savior will guarantee everlasting life, then A) You may have to sit next to Jimmy Swaggart in heaven; B) You may have to sit next to John Ashcroft; C) You may have to sit next to George W. Bush; D) You should probably just forget the whole thing.

6) If some priests are right, and animals can't get into heaven, then A) You'll have to have tofu for dinner every night; B) Heaven will be a great place for that grouchy old bag down the street because, really, in the grand scheme of things, what's a little dog shit on the damn walkway? C) High quality fertilizer will be in short supply.

7) If Michael Jackson calls the wine he gave to his little friends "Jesus Juice," then A) Ewwww! B) Ewwww! C) Ewwww!

8) If I do like Jesus tells me and "take all I have and give it to the poor," then A) The poor won't be poor anymore, so they'll have to give me back my stuff; B) At which point, I'll have to give it back to them again, so they won't be poor anymore; C) A and B forever, or until something falls off the truck and gets broken. Then there will be a big fight about it.

9) If it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to get into heaven, then A) The rich man should cut down on the camel's feed; B) The rich man should ride his camel more often so it loses weight; C) The rich man should get busy developing a breed of miniature camel, since anything's possible with modern genetics.

10) If The Lord helps those who help themselves, then A) You don't really need the Lord's help since you're taking care of it anyway; B) The Lord is an annoying "buttinsky" who pesters the industrious by offering un-asked-for advice; C) Whatever you do, you shouldn't listen to him when he tells you that in actuality, it's perfectly safe to spray that shit in the high-pressure can around an open flame.

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