Gaily Down the Aisle

The ultimate celebrity same-sex wedding planner

While gay marriage is not legal in Arizona, it is recognized in six states—and, hopefully, Arizona (and the other 43 behind-the-times states) will pull their heads out of their antiquated, homophobic asses and stop clinging to irrelevant biblical tenets and the skewed notion that a "family" is defined by its ratio of penis to vagina.

But enough about political justice; bring on the celebrity weddings!

We've tritely but lovingly taken the liberty of helping our favorite celebrity gay/lesbian couples plan their nuptials. You're welcome, guys.

Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi

The Emmy Award-winning talk-show host and the Australian small-screen siren (of Ally McBeal and Arrested Development fame) hooked up in 2004 and have been mutually devoted ever since. The day after the California Supreme Court announced its gay-marriage decision (which was later overturned by voters, the bastards), DeGeneres made an announcement of her own: She fully intended to make it legal with her longtime love. They indeed married last August. While we weren't there—the invitation must have gotten lost in the mail—here's what we imagined it looked like.

OFFICIATED BY: The indignant ghost of Jerry Falwell.

LOCATION: Under a spotlight.

FLOWERS: Calla lilies.

FAVORS: Puppies, which will be seized immediately after your children bond with them.

BAND: Justin Timberlake, or nothing!

OBLIGATORY DANCE CRAZE: The "Ellen," of course. Freestyle awkwardly to '70s pop music while millions of housewives cheer you on.

SELECTED READING: The Man Inside Me by Dr. Tobias Fünke.

Cynthia Nixon and Christine Marinoni

From Sex and the City to same-sex and the city, Nixon shocked the world by ditching her (male) partner of 15 years, Danny Mozes—with whom she has two children—and proclaiming her soulmate to be education activist Marinoni, who continues to astound gawkers with her resemblance to Danny Bonaduce. The crimson-headed couplet, who keep their relationship relatively under the radar, have been going strong since 2003, and are still red-hot for each other. Nixon announced their engagement in March.

OFFICIATED BY: Cat-fighting Sarah Jessica Parker and Kim Cattrall, with Kristin Davis trying desperately to get in a word.

WEDDING PARTY: The Partridge Family.

FLOWERS: Lady slippers.

FIRST DANCE: "Sally Cinnamon" by the Stone Roses.

FAVORS: Manolo Blahniks and Doc Martens.

THE CAKE: Layers of carrot cake and gingerbread.

Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka

The child prodigy (paging Dr. Doogie!) and his Broadway-thespian love kept their relationship under wraps for quite a while, until Internet gossip prompted Harris to publicly come out, in quietly classy fashion. Burtka, whose work has included guest appearances on his man's smash sitcom, How I Met Your Mother, seems to be just what the doctor ordered; rumor (and who doesn't implicitly trust rumors?) has it that the couple has been together since 2006.

OFFICIATED BY: That loveable goofball Vinnie Delpino.

FLOWERS: Titan arums (also known as penis flowers).

WEDDING PARTY: The entire cast of Rent.

SELECTED READING: An Ideal Husband by Oscar Wilde.

FIRST DANCE: "Dr. Feelgood" by Mötley Crüe.

ON THE MENU: Burgers from White Castle.


Luke Macfarlane and Wentworth Miller

They've yet to even admit they're a couple—MacFarlane came out publicly fairly recently, and Miller hasn't at all—but ever since these two "bestest buds" were first spotted together in 2007, tongues have been wagging, and women have been mourning. The Brothers and Sisters star and his Prison Break hunk are often spotted strolling casually together, hands crammed pointedly into pockets, which, of course, only goes to further fan the flame. If unconfirmed gossip and scheming speculation are any indication, these perfect specimens have carried their relationship far beyond the boundaries of bro-mance.

LOCATION: Gold's Gym.

WEDDING PARTY: Scads of bawling teenage girls.

SELECTED READING: You guessed it: Brokeback Mountain by Annie Proulx.

ON THE MENU: Nothin' but beef.

FIRST DANCE: "Secret Lovers" by Atlantic Starr.

BAND: None—a DJ will spin selections from Jock Jams, Volume 1 exclusively.

FAVORS: Nondisclosure agreements.

A version of this story originally appeared in the Boston Phoenix.

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