Full Court Press

Certain Justices And Sportswriters Are Held In Contempt.

PRETENSION, THY NAME is the Supreme Court. What a load of hooey these poseurs dumped on us last week. Given the opportunity to open the Florida recount proceedings up to their fellow citizens via live TV, the robed warriors passed, citing precedent: "We've always acted like we were really special and better than everybody else; why should we stop now?"

They did, however, say they would release audio tapes of the proceedings. Wow! Where do we line up to thank you for your eyedropper approach to freedom of information?

People, your stuff isn't sacred. There isn't an Oliver Wendell Holmes among you. For the most part, you're not all that good; you're just lucky. And with each new appointment, you become more and more a collection of political hacks, put in not for your wisdom, but for your ability to provide some sort of polarizing balance. Indeed, most of you weren't even picked because you represent a certain perspective, but rather for your ability to piss the other side off. So come down off your high horses.

With people like this, I choose to think the worst, so I'm now convinced that the reason they don't want cameras in the court is so that we won't see Antonin Scalia picking his nose and wiping it on his robe, or Clarence Thomas all the time eyeballing Sandra Day O'Connor, thinking "You's a fiiiine white lady."

I despise Clarence Thomas. The hypocrite goes through college on affirmative action programs and then, as a judge, votes against them every chance he gets. And court watchers report that he has, as predicted, turned out to be an exceedingly dim bulb. In retrospect, we probably shouldn't have put up such a fight against Robert Bork.

DO YOU REALIZE that after Hillary wins the Presidency in 2004, history books will note that in a brief period, our presidents were Bush-Clinton-Bush-Clinton? Kids studying history 100 years from now will wonder how the hell something like that could have happened.

Well, it's simple. During this time, all the smart and dedicated people are teaching in public schools and the wildly creative are making music videos.

That leaves us with the intellectually challenged, deep-pocketed quasi-aristocrats, like the Bushes, and the power-hungry yuppies, like the Clintons. Thank God we didn't have any real crises during this period. At least not so far.

FOR THOSE OF you (like my good friend Emil Franzi) who bristle at the suggestion that George W. Bush isn't real bright, I highly recommend Molly Ivins' book Shrub. (In fact, all Americans should read it so we'll know what we're in for over the next four years. But not eight!) And for people like Arizona Congressman J.D. Hayworth, maybe he could have somebody read it to him.

Ivins has been known to take howlingly funny potshots at people all across the political spectrum, so it's not like this is some partisan hatchet job. Shrub is an absolutely jaw-dropping portrayal of the greatest living example of the old axiom that it's better to be lucky than good.

This guy has stumbled through life, repeatedly falling into the manure and then (thanks to Daddy) coming out smelling like a rose. And, until he was 40, an inebriated rose.

As for his intelligence, well ... let's just hope that Vladimir Putin doesn't challenge him to a spelling bee.

NOW WE CAN move on to the really important stuff--high-school sports.

Q.: How many sportswriters' noses can fit into Salpointe's butt at one time?

A.: How many do you have?

Guys, lighten up, already. A few weeks ago, the Star ran the headline, "Bad Weather Hampers Lancers Comeback Bid Against Dorados." What, was it only raining on the Salpointe players that night? The CDO guys were somehow able to miraculously dodge all the raindrops?

Then just last week in a preview of the state semi-finals, Brian Pedersen wrote about how Salpointe only has 1,400 students, like that actually means something. Brian, enrollment figures at private schools are absolutely immaterial because THEY RECRUIT! This is illegal for public schools (and rightfully so), but private schools RECRUIT all the time. And if they claim that they don't RECRUIT, they not only RECRUIT, they also LIE!

The only time a school's enrollment is even remotely interesting is in the case of a public school that is right around the cutoff point between one classification and the next, meaning that they have to play against much-larger public schools and private schools that RECRUIT!

Then there was the item in the Citizen that referred to the Tucson High girls' basketball team as "defending 5A-South champions." I won't mention the young man's name who wrote it, but Dude, if you're going to write in the paper, try to know your subject matter.

Flowing Wells is the defending 5A-South champion, and the year before them, it was Amphi. And before that, it was CDO and then Buena.

What happens is that these other teams win the real, regular-season championship and then Tucson High gets hot in that little post-season tournament that merely determines seeding for the state playoffs. In fact, Tucson has won that thing two years in a row, prompting some of the kids to wear T-shirts that mistakenly read "Back-to-Back 5A-South Champions." However, the members of the real championship teams will have these nifty bronze-colored medals in the shape of the state of Arizona that read "5A-South Champions."

Winning that tournament and then claiming to be champions is like passing a pop quiz and thinking that makes you valedictorian.

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