You can either apologize for Dario Argento or he’ll need to apologize to you. The Italian horror icon’s latest is a meek and laughable version of the genre’s most famous tale. Argento’s Dracula 3-D almost feels like it has to be a joke, but there’s no punch line other than the aging director himself. And that’s kind of hard to accept. A moronic Dumpster fire of a film, Dracula drops below the line of camp because it’s unclear if Argento—who directed the dark masterpiece Suspiria in the 1970s—even realizes how bad this is. It looks cheap, about half the dialogue is overdubbed, the performers can’t mask their laziness (even the usually intense Rutger Hauer is half asleep), and there’s not enough skin to offset all of it, though the actresses here aren’t exactly shy. It’s a pity it has come to this, but Dario Argento should hang it up.


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