Don't Look for These Movie Sequels Any Time Soon

By Zachary Woodruff

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American Splendor II: Canadian Effervescence
Assassination Tango 2: Assassination Macarena!
Bend Marriage Vows Like Beckham
Changing Lanes 2: Using Blinkers
Chicago II: Kenilworth and Winnetka
Citizen Kane II: Freddy Vs. Kane
Cold Mountain II: Chill Hill
The Dancer Upstairs II: Cut out That Racket
The Dancer Upstairs III: The Junkie Downstairs
Dumb and Dumberer II: Dumbererer and Dumberererer
8 Mile II: 12.4 Kilometer
The Elephant Man Without a Face in the Crowd
Ella Enchanted 2: Della Disenchanted
Finding Nemo Masturbating
The Fog of War II: Let's Take a Closer Look up Robert McNamara's Nostrils
Freaky Frida
Gandhi II: Diaper-Mania!
Gigli II: On Gigli Pond
Girl With a Pearl Soapdish
Hidalgo Mounts Seabiscuit
The House of Sand and Fog and Stucco
The House of Sand and Fog of War
This Old House of Sand and Fog
The Human Stain II: Try Some Lemon Juice
Jeepers Creepers 3: Dude, Where's My Peepers?
John Ashcroft, Constitution Raider
Kangaroo Jack II: Pouch Potato
Kangaroo Jack III: Mission to Marsupial
Kangaroo Jackass
Kill Bill Vol. 3: Whack Jack
Kill Bill Vol. 4: Hurt Burt
Kill Bill Vol. 5: Beat Pete
Kill Bill Vs. Drop Dead Fred
The Ladykillers and the Tramp
The Last Samurai II: The Second-to-Last Samurai
The League of Extraordinary Matchstick Men
Lord of the Rings IV: Just 240 Minutes of Hobbits Hugging
Los Amores Perros II: Mucho Mas Amores Y Mucho Mas Perros!
Lost in La Mancha in Translation
Lost in Translation Redux: Now in "Mopey Vision"
Love Actually II: Like, for Reals
Man of Fire II: Kicking Ash
Martha Stewart Stars in Martha Ho-Tep
The Matrix IV: This One's About What If a Whole Universe Was in a Tiny Atom in Your Thumbnail, Dude?
Mel Gibson's The Patience of the Buddha
Midnight Urban Drugstore Cowboy Bebop
The Mighty Ducks Redux
Mr. Chips Vs. Mr. Belvedere
The Mothman Butterfly Prophecies Effect
National Lampoon's Van Helsing
Van Hellboy
Never Die Alone 2: Never Say Never Die Alone Again
Paycheck 2: After Taxes
The Pianist II: The Pianist Vs. The Hulk
Pirates of the Carolinas
Pirates of the Caribbean II: One Hour of Waiting, 15 Minutes of Film
Resident Evil 2: The Bush Years: President Evil
Runaway Jury II: Dude, Where's My Jury?
The Scorpion King 2: Hulk Hogan Plays Some Kind of Babylonian Dude
Secondhand Lions II: Hand-Me-Down Cheetahs
The Secret Lives of Dentists II: Flossed in Translation
The Secret Lives of Dentists III: A Fistful of Molars
Secret Window 2: Pane in the Ass
Something's Gotta Give II: Something's Gotta Droop
Something's Gotta Give III: Something Else's Gotta Shrivel
Something's Gotta Have It
Spellbound 2: Homeschooler's Revenge
The Stepford Wives II: Stop, or My Stepford Mom Will Shoot!
28 Days Later II: 28 New Endings!
2 Fast 2 Furious 2: 3 Fast 3 Furious
2 Fast 2 Furious 4 2 Hours 2 Long
Underworld II: Way Underworld
Welcome to Mooseport II: Every Which Way But Mooseport
Whale Rider II: Luxury Whale Rider
Win 50 First Dates With Tad Hamilton
Young Frankenstein Vs. Baby Dracula
Young Guns III: Middle-Aged Guns
Catch That Christ
Dirty Pretty Christs
Don't Tell Christ the Babysitter's Dead
Honey, I Shrunk the Christ!
Starsky and Christ
Stop! Or My Christ Will Shoot!
The Thin Red Christ
Win a Date With Christ!
Rabbit-Proof Pants