Decathlon of Disgust

Here are the top 10 reasons to be pissed off this week.

Ten things that annoyed the living urine out of me last week (in ascending order of their diuretic capacity):

10. The Arizona Daily Star ran a front-page story about two local DJs getting fired! Not on the front page of the Metro section or the Entertainment section. The front page of the whole paper, along with the spy-plane stuff and AIMS test coverage. Apparently, the mission of the morning blurb now gives ultimate priority to warning drive-time commuters of a possible case of Snappy Banterus Interruptus.

In a business where longevity is measured in weeks, DJs get fired all the time. I'm sorry it happened, but I'm way sorrier that the Star found it worthy of front-page coverage.

I've known Betsy Bruce a long time and I like her. She does a good job and I'm sure she'll land on her feet someplace else. But now I can't wait to see what'll be on tomorrow's front page. Maybe "Guy Atchley Gets New Hairdo."

9. Twenty-four Americans sat in Chinese captivity while the two governments haggled over whether "regret" and "sorry" mean the same thing. The way I look at it, there are only three options:

· Threaten to bomb the crap out of them if they don't give us back our people and property, and then follow through on the threat if they don't comply.

· Hire the Israelis to get the people back. That way, we'll know the job will get done right.

· Tell the Chinese we're sorry and then when we get everybody back, say that they must have misunderstood. We really meant "regret." It just got messed up in the translation, English bein' such a tough language and all.

Also, don't you find it amazing that there were 24 Americans on that plane? Twenty-four! What were they doing, writing down the name of every person in China?

8. In the Sports Illustrated article on the Duke-Arizona championship game, the writer mentioned a pivotal play in the game, one in which Duke's Jason Williams and Arizona's Jason Gardner raced for a loose ball. Williams lost the race and then draped his body over Gardner's. The ref standing within inches of the play chose not to whistle Williams for his third foul in the first half. (Many observers felt that a foul call might have changed the course of the entire game.)

Anyway, the SI guy said that all Jason Gardner had to do was stand up to get the foul call. How?! If it had been college wrestling, Williams would have received two points for riding time. Besides, if Gardner had somehow stood up, those refs probably would've called him for an offensive foul.

I never blame losses on officials. As a player, fan or coach, once you start down that road, it's a slippery downhill slope. The Wildcats should have shot better. They should have dumped it inside to Loren Woods, who had the hot hand. Mike Dunleavy should have opened his eyes. Still, I don't see why refs should be free from criticism. But if you say anything, people will jump on you and say that you're making excuses.

You know how they now have a legal verdict of guilty and insane? Well, it should be perfectly OK to say that Duke deserved to win that game and the officiating sucked.

7. On that aforementioned DJ story, KRQ station manager Mark Medina wouldn't allow 11-year veteran Betsy Bruce to have a farewell show, claiming that he feared that she would do something "unprofessional." This would include either criticizing station management or (gasp!) mentioning another radio station on the air.

I swear, the suits who run radio would need an electron microscope to find their scrotums. This is why radio bites, and it bites geometrically.

6. When Tiger Woods won the Masters the other day, it was his fourth consecutive victory in a Major. This is amazing, but it is not a grand slam, as some apologists are claiming. Quit trying to Prop. 48 the dude. If he ever wins a real grand slam, great. In the meantime, stop redefining what a grand slam is.

5. Rap mogul Sean "Puffy" Combs, who recently bought hisself free from legal entanglements (for the meager cost of a few million bucks and the freedom for the next 20 years of his protégé, Shyne), announced that henceforth he wishes to be referred to as "P. or Diddy or P. Diddy."

I'll be expecting to see that on the front page of the Star any day now.

4. Channel 13 gave live TV time to drunken Fourth Avenue rowdies after the Cats lost and then bristled at the suggestion that their coverage had anything to do with the ruckus.

3. This one is absolutely unbelievable. Talk-show host Rosie O'Donnell, arguing that there's no place in the modern curriculum for math, said, "I think there's no way we should have to teach (math) now. We have computers. We no longer need to know why 3x = 2y/4."

This establishes itself as the early front-runner for Stupidest Remark of the Third Millennium. And with only 999 years left, I don't see how it can be topped. For her to say something that dumb makes me want to rethink my position on gun control.

2. Richard Jefferson opted to leave Arizona for the NBA. Why anybody would not want to savor his four years of college is beyond me, especially a kid who doesn't have to worry about money, a car, food, clothing, housing or tutoring. All he has to do is play ball and strut his butt around campus. And once the college years are gone, they can never be brought back.

Oh, well, I guess with all that NBA money, he'll be able to hire somebody to do his spelling for him, and with what's left over, he can rent adoring fans.

1. Madonna announced she's going on tour.

Haven't we all suffered enough?