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Tom presents his own list of 2016 achievements that were not at all dubious (so don’t sue us, Esquire!)

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Before we jump into what is certain to be a horrible year, let’s take a quick look back at some of the things that happened in 2016.

ODDLY ENOUGH, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM WAS NAMED TOM AND EACH HAD AT LEAST ONE NIECE OR NEPHEW

A slightly higher percentage of African-Americans voted for Donald Trump than had voted for Mitt Romney in 2012. (Thanks to Jeff Sessions, they will soon find out exactly what it is they have to lose.)

IT WAS ONLY THE THIRD STRANGEST THING SEEN AT THAT LOCATION THAT DAY

A recent headline said that a dismembered body, with the head and genitals cut off, was found behind a WalMart store.

YEAH, BUT IN GILEAD, SHE'LL BE KNOWN AS OFDONALD

In a couple weeks, we will have a First Lady with her own array of online nude photos. Millions of Bubbas will think that this is an upgrade from the Ivy League educated lawyer/health advocate whom Melania will succeed.

IN THEIR YOUNGER DAYS, THEY WERE THE CHILDREN WHO WERE LEFT BEHIND

A recent poll showed that majority of people who voted for Donald Trump (including the handful of college graduates who did so) believes that Trump won the popular vote. (He actually lost by nearly three million votes.)

IT'S LIKE THAT OLD STEVE MARTIN BOOK, "HOW I TURNED A MILLION IN REAL ESTATE INTO $100 CASH

UA quarterback Anu Solomon, who had led the Wildcats to the Pac-12 South championship as a redshirt freshman, suffered through his second consecutive injury-plagued year and announced that he will graduate early and transfer to another school where he can play his senior season.

HE COULDN'T BRING HIMSELF TO PART WITH THE ALLY MILLER DARTBOARD

Retiring Pima County Supervisor Ray Carroll raised some money for charity by auctioning off stuff he found lying around his office. He says he wishes that he could have raised more.

THERE'S A SPOT FOR THEM IN THE NEW TRUMP ADMINISTRATION

Some spoiled (and drunk-ass) rich kids thought it was funny to throw empty beer bottles from the balcony of their high-rise UA-area apartment onto the grounds of the Islamic Center of Tucson below.

YEAH, BUT IT WAS A DRY HEAVE

On Father's Day of this year, the temperature hit 116 degrees in Tucson. That night, many of us had to watch as the (ugh!) Cleveland Cavaliers won Game 7 of the NBA championship playoffs to win the title over the Golden State Warriors. It was most unpleasant.

I SWEAR I THOUGHT IT WAS THE PUERTO RICO FUNDS

Pima County Sheriff Chris Nanos lost his job to challenger Mark Napier after Nanos' office was beset by scandal and criminal charges involving the misuse of RICO funds.

MAYBE THEY CAN BRING BACK WHAT'S LEFT OF BEN AFFLECK'S CAREER

The Osiris REx program, being administered by a team from the UA, is sending a spacecraft on a two-year journey to the asteroid Bennu. It will blast a sample of asteroid dust off the rock and return to earth with its booty.

THEIR HUSBANDS TOLD THEM TO

Several women, claiming to be feminists, admitted that they voted for Trump.

MCCLUSKY THOUGHT IT WAS ALL PART OF THE CHINESE CLIMATE-CHANGE HOAX

Pima County Supervisor Sharon Bronson was in danger of drowning when her county vehicle was swept into a culvert during a monster summer storm. Radio talker Shaun McClusky thought that she had faked the whole thing and demanded that she—and not the county—pay for the repair on the vehicle.

IN THE END, SHE GRACIOUSLY MADE THE ANIMAL AN OFFER OF SANCTUARY

While driving a City-owned car, Tucson City Councilwoman Regina Romero was involved in a crash with a deer. The Councilwoman was unhurt, but the car was totaled.

HE WAS SAVING THE TRICK PLAY FOR THE PAC-12 CHAMPIONSHIP GAME

After his Wildcat football team scored a touchdown in the final minute to pull to within one point of national power Washington, Arizona Coach Rich Rodriguez eschewed going for two points and the win, instead opting to kick the extra point and go into overtime. Washington quickly scored to win the game in OT. It was one of eight consecutive Pac-12 losses for the woeful Cats.

MY MAN CRUSH IS PROVEN WORTHY

British actor Hugh Grant has been nominated for several Best Actor awards for his work in Florence Foster Jenkins.

AND SOME UNABASHEDLY GOOD NEWS

• The Amphi High School football team won its conference championship and returned to the State playoffs after a long hiatus. Retired Coach Vern Friedli, who turned 80 on 9/11, will be glad to know that his amazing legacy lives on.

• The UA baseball team made an unlikely run to the College World Series and then came within one game of winning the school's fourth national championship. First-year coach Jay Johnson had the Cats playing an exciting style of baseball (if such a thing actually exists.)

• And finally, a brand-new Popeye's Chicken opened up on Campbell near Ft. Lowell Road. This will help to decrease my personal carbon footprint as I will no longer have to drive nearly an hour from where I live to the one on 22nd Street and Kolb Road. However, having one only half as far away will probably also have a significant impact on my actual footprint.

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