Tom offers up new definitions of the words we’ll need during the Trump administration

People ask me why I despise Donald Trump. I don't know the man personally (and never want to). But all my life I've known too many people like him. Growing up, I didn't know a whole lot of spoiled rich white kids.

However, I did play summer passing-league football against Mark Harmon (NCIS) back when he was the star quarterback at (ahem) Harvard Prep High School. But he wasn't a jerk; he was a laid-back, surfer-boy type.

No, Donald Trump is more like the knuckleheads who used to stand on the corner, grabbing their genitals and talking about themselves. In later generations, these guys became rappers whose shtick when like:

"I'm bad! Yeah, I'm bad.

I ain't done sh-t to make me bad.

I'm just bad 'cause I SAY I'm bad."

That's Donald Trump, except he grabs women's genitals instead of his own.

I honestly don't understand why people revere him. His is a real riches-to-riches story. He started out with a bunch of money that he got from his pimp grandfather and his slumlord daddy and then he made more money by cheating workers and the government out of their money. How is that great?

As I said last time, he won. He was running for the only elected office in the entire world where the person who gets the most votes doesn't automatically win. It's not about getting the most votes; it's about getting certain votes in certain places. We all knew the rules going in.

So now, for the next four years, America is under his thumb. We will be living in a country where the president and his rabid followers not only are unable to discern the truth, they openly don't care about the truth. Why, you could have three guys sitting on bar stools in rural Indiana watch Donald Trump rape a chicken on live TV and the first guy would say, "The chicken was probably a liberal and had it coming."

The second would say, "I know it's on live TV, but I'm skeptical of the source."

And the third guy would say, "This will probably help the factory to re-open."

In the next four years, we're going to have to adjust to a new, Orwellian reality. Up will mean down, evil will mean good, and Trump will mean intelligent and level-headed. To help out, I'm offering a few vocabulary words that will help us get through.

They include:

• Bannon: That's what Trump and his lackeys are going to being doing for the next four years—Bannon free speech, Bannon voters rights, Bannon media access...

• Middle-Class Tax Break: A Trump administration handout for those poor souls who are stuck in the nine-number category. They're not pathetic like those people who only have eight numbers in their bank accounts (like $40,000,000), but they need some serious gub'mint cheese to break into the billionaires' club,

• Racism: An archaic term, something that doesn't exist in America any more now that we've got one of our own in the White House. Actually, it probably never did exist except in the twisted minds of northern intellectuals. I mean, why would black people stay in the South if they were being mistreated? They don't want to vote; they want to sing and dance.

The term "racism" should have died out long ago, but it was resurrected so that it could incorrectly be used against people who were exercising their constitutional rights by attacking the previous president because of his skin color (and occasionally because he wanted poor people to get health-care coverage).

• Trump-ematics: A new form of computation that allows one to believe that 62 million votes is actually a larger number than 65 million votes. On paper, it uses a variation of the Sigma notation (∑) that automatically subtracts any votes cast by people who speak Spanish (or who have ancestors who once spoke Spanish).

• Integrity: This is a term built on shifting sand; it's hard to pin down. What I do know is that the antonym (that means opposite, for those who went to charter schools) is whatever Mitt Romney has been doing since the election. Jeez, dude, you're making us cringe.

• Drain the Swamp: Apparently, that means throw as many rich white bankers into your cabinet as you can until some of the swamp water spills over the side.

• Idiot: This word hasn't changed; only the faces that go with it have.

This includes dumb-ass Treasury Secretary-to-be Stephen Mnuchin, who went to Yale but still says things like, "Any tax cuts for the upper class will be offset by less deductions to pay for it." Anybody who doesn't know the difference between "less" and "fewer" should demand a refund of his college tuition. Or his prep school tuition. Or retroactively fire the nanny who was raising him while his daddy was getting rich at Goldman Sachs.

• American Idiot: Not the album by Green Day. This refers to the moron in USA Today who wrote (about the attack at Ohio State): "Some of the victims were slashed and others were hit by vehicle. Anti-gun advocates, feel stupid yet?"

Yeah, one guy driving a car and wielding a knife wipes out the tens of thousands of other gutless bastards who used too-readily-available guns to do their dirty work. Idiot.

And to think that the four-year clock hasn't even started yet.

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