Tom forecasts what we can expect in President Trump’s first 100 days

Back in the late 1990s, there was this quirky little sci-fi show on Fox called Sliders. This nerdy physics student created a way to open a wormhole through which he and others could "slide" to visit an infinite number of alternate Earths that exited in parallel universes. It was fun for a while, but after Season 2, Fox decided to tinker with it and it became not-so-fun.

These days, when I'm feeling kinda funky (as in when I have 10 minutes left on the StairClimber), my mind drifts into the morbidly curious range and I wonder what would happen if, God forbid, Donald Trump were to actually win in November. I think about it in Sliders form so that I can visit there but then come back to Earth Prime where people haven't completely lost their damn minds. Or, I could be like Jake, the hero of Stephen King's 11/22/63 and go back to see what happens, but then return to the present and re-set history. (You'll pardon my ADHD moment, but I highly recommend the 11/22/63 miniseries on Hulu. It's really good. I hated the ending, but logically, it was probably the only way it could end.)

So, we'll say that a whole bunch of closet bigots who lied to the pollsters come out to vote and Trump wins. And just to make this nightmare scenario even more nightmare-y, we'll say that the GOP retains control of the House and the Senate is split 50-50. That would mean that the Vice-President, Mr. Excitement Mike Pence, would break all ties in Senate votes. (I saw the funniest thing on Facebook. It said that Mike Pence looks like the Senator who would propose a bill that would outlaw the X-Men.)

Trump loses the popular vote but squeaks by, 270-268, in the Electoral College. Of course, in what passes for his mind, he sees this as a mandate and decides to rule accordingly. If you remember, the same thing happened when George W. Bush had the election handed to him by the Supreme Court, decided to govern as though he had widespread popular support, which, of course, he never did.

When Trump takes office, Antonin Scalia, who engineered the judicial coup that put Bush II in office, looks up from his Netherworld Ultra-Sauna and smiles that such an abomination could happen twice in a generation.

In his first week, Trumps asks for, and receives from a fawning (and frothing) Congress, a repeal of Obamacare. As we all know, poor people are poor became they want to be poor. If they didn't want to be poor, they would have had their granddaddy get rich from a string of whorehouses and then have their daddy start them off with a seven-figure gift. The worst thing we could have in this country is a bunch of poor people who have access to health care.

The Republicans, who have long promised to "repeal and replace," only get it half-right. Trump, shrugging off the fact that he has taken away health care for tens of millions of Americans, says "Hey, one out of two ain't bad. If you shoot 50 percent from the free-throw line, that's pretty good." Actually it isn't, but the media let him slide on it because basketball is a game that's played mostly by black people.

Also in the first week, they unlock the underground bunker and retrieve Melania Trump, where she has been undergoing "spa treatments" ever since she stole Michelle Obama's speech at the convention.

In the second week, some guy on Twitter claiming to represent the duchy of Grand Fenwick, calls Trump a "pissy little bitch." He does it partly to see if he can get Trump to mount a military response against a place that doesn't exist, but mostly because Trump, like most bullies, actually is a pissy little bitch.

Trump goes on TV and says that we have to double the military budget and says that the best way to do that is by giving rich people a tax break. Several military leaders say that a budget increase is really not necessary. The military has more than enough money; it always has. That reminds Trump that he wanted to fire all of the generals and replace them, but since he has never had anything to do with the military (besides dodging it), the only military names he knows are General Mills and Cap'n Crunch.

By the third week, he has named his daughter, Ivanka, as his unofficial Secretary of Hotness. (Seriously, Trump supporters, you're really not disturbed by a guy who says that he would date one of his daughters and then talks publicly about the size of his other daughter's breasts? That's some creepy-ass stuff.)

In the fourth week, the Trump Administration starts accepting bids from companies that are going to build The Wall. Since most of the work will be done in the middle of Godforsaken Nowhere, most of the construction firms say that they won't be able to do the job without the use of illegal Mexican labor. Trump says, "That's okay. Just have them build the south face of The Wall." That's leadership.

By mid-February, he's ready to tackle the inner-city problem. He recommends widespread mandatory stop-and-frisk He even goes on TV with Ivanka to demonstrate the technique.

Time to slide.

About The Author

Comments (8)

Add a comment

Add a Comment

Tucson Weekly

Best of Tucson Weekly

Tucson Weekly