Sure life is about personality, not looks, but tom takes a look at each of the republican presidential candidates anyway

I've gone my entire life being judged by my appearance. White kid in a black neighborhood. Relatively short (and still white) guy on a college basketball team. Really unattractive guy standing way too close to that gorgeous woman. Fat guy, bald guy, wearer of a Wal-Mart wardrobe. I'm used to the sideways, stink-eye looks; I've been used to them for a long, long time. My sainted Italian mother, Teresa Maria DiMarco, used to speak to me in her native tongue. When I was in my early teens, she looked me in the eye and said, "If you want girls to like you, you have to either be good looking or have a great personality. So you'd better get to work on that personality."

Gee thanks, Mom.

One might think that a person who has been judged by his appearance his entire life might have a heightened sensitivity to the issue, but after you get called "Fat, Fat, the Water Rat" enough times, you kinda don't care any more.

That's why, when I was watching the latest Republican debate, I decided to judge them by their appearance(s). If anybody reading this is going to be crazy enough to vote for one of those phlegm-wads, maybe this might help.

Donald Trump: Frat boy. That alone should send you screaming into the street. Never had to face consequences. Daddy's money acted like those inflatable bumpers that they put in bowling alley lanes so the kids can't throw gutter balls. Figures why tell the truth when you can tell an elaborate, self-serving lie instead.

Probably couldn't play any ball; maybe polo or something. Had people do his homework for him. Guaranteed to have been a (chanticleer) blocker.

Ben Carson: Poindexter, and not in a good way. Looks like he should be working as a greeter at WalMart. Probably doesn't lie, which makes his somebody-pulled-a-gun-on-me story all the more pathetic. He's apparently the only guy ever to have a bad experience in a Popeye's Chicken place.

Carly Fiorina: Snotty, bitter friend of the Nice Girl, through whom she lived vicariously. When she found out that nerd/jock guy was going to be Valedictorian instead of her, she brought her mom to school and threatened to sue. Started rumors, even about herself, just so people would be talking about her.

Chris Christie: Probably was a cool guy in school. Funny, outgoing, offensive lineman in football. Straight version of the gay character, Cam, played on "Modern Family" by straight actor Eric Stonestreet. Somewhere along the line, got turned around and forgot what all Catholics used to be taught—Jesus was a liberal.

Ted Cruz: Was Hall Monitor in school. Snitch. Couldn't play ball, so he became a male cheerleader. Sucked at that, too.

Marco Rubio: Had a huge collection of pogs, but couldn't find anybody who wanted to play with him. Wanted to join a fraternity in college, but hair color and vowel-ending last name held him back. Did the Geraldo Rivera/Jerry Rivers/Barry Obama thing and changed his name to Mark Ruby. Still didn't get voted in because he forgot to alter his eye color.

Jeb Bush: Recording secretary of the chess club. And National Honor Society. And the spirit club. But not of student council, because you actually have to get elected to that.

Rand Paul: The guy you absolutely never wanted to be your lab partner. Smelled funny. Not athletic or bad-hygiene funk. More like chemicals. In school, occasionally wore a beret to hide his goofy-ass hair. That particular move didn't test well. Uncomfortable around girls, who were really uncomfortable around him. Made up his own jokes and then did a solo job of laughing at them.

John Kasich: He was the guy who was in your AP classes all the way through high school, but you always thought his name was Jim. And when you called him Jim, he wouldn't correct you. Right now, when approaching a grocery store, if he walks through the electric eye, the door won't open.

Mike Huckabee: Eagle Scout ... but not in a good way. Fat kid who quoted the Bible, even in Math class. Had rosy cheeks all the time, year 'round. In school, sat at his own table in the lunch room and ate like a convict.

As for the Democrats, I love the way Bernie Sanders looks. Both Abraham Lincoln and George Orwell said that, at a certain age, a man has the face he deserves. Bernie Sanders looks completely comfortable in his own skin. He also looks like he has, in his garage, a DeLorean with an almost-completed flux capacitor.

The Democratic front-runner is a tough one. I guess I'll defer to what Chris Rock has said about her. There was this great story about her; I think it was on "Justified." It seems that she and her husband, Bill, were driving through a rural part of the Midwest in the late 1990s. They came up to a gas station, where the guy pumping the gas turned out to be a guy who had once dated Hillary. Bill Clinton found it funny and asked her, "Where would you be if you had married that guy?"

Hillary glared at Bill and said, "I'd be married to the President of the United States."

Yeah, she looks like that.

About The Author

Comments (22)

Add a comment

Add a Comment

Tucson Weekly

Best of Tucson Weekly

Tucson Weekly