Tom gets in on Kentucky clerk, Fox News hamster and Gov. Ducey’s crack pipe

Of hypocrites, hamsters and ho's ...

Most y'all know that I'm a religious man, but I do my very best not to wear it on my sleeve. I was taught early on not to ever be holier than thou. I'm as Catholic as I can be and I hope that it's Catholic enough. (That's almost certainly not enough for some. You just know that Doug Ducey probably sits in the front row at mass and eyeballs people as they walk by to get Communion.)

One of the best lessons that I learned growing up was not to be a hypocrite. Walk what you talk, and if you're unable to do so, don't talk in the first place. So it should be with the woman in Kentucky who refuses to grant marriage licenses to gay couples because it goes against her religion. As I write this, she has just been sent to jail for refusing to do her damn job, claiming that it's against her religion. The contempt citation is open-ended, so she could be in there for a while.

She probably sees herself as some kind of religious martyr, which is, in and of itself, funny because she's only been religious for about as long as Rich Rodriguez has been coaching football at the UA. Maybe God spoke to her after the Wildcats had that come-from-behind win in the New Mexico Bowl. I hope her faith is tested in jail. I know that I once had to eat Spam for three consecutive meals and I guarantee I saw Jesus.

Her hypocrisy is absolutely overwhelming. The thrice-divorced clown is on her fourth husband. Here's the deal: If you've been divorced once, I really don't care, but it's probably best that you not initiate discussions of morality. If you've been divorced twice, you should probably avoid joining in any already-started discussion of morality. If you've been divorced three times, don't say sh-t!

She's an Apostolic Christian, an interesting religion full of arranged marriages and other frivolity. She claims that God's authority supersedes her earthly duties (for which she is still collecting a hefty paycheck despite not doing her damn job). Just imagine if everybody could claim religious exemption from their jobs. One of the more extreme examples I read about wondered whether an Orthodox Jew in that Kentucky woman's professional position could refuse to issue a marriage license if the female of the couple refused to wear a wig outside the house.

(God has got to have a sense of humor because He obviously had a hand in making up all this nonsense.)

A former basketball buddy of mine who is now a pastor in the Seventh-Day Adventist Church sent this along to me: In the Apostolic Christian Statement of Faith (isn't it amazing what you can find on the Internet?!), Item No. 17 says, "Governmental authority is respected and obeyed."

There, Hypocrite! I hope you start fretting over whether that orange jumpsuit is making you gay.

Harris Faulkner, one of a handful of non-blondes on Fox News, is suing the Hasbro Toy company because there's a toy hamster that not only bears her name, but also reportedly resembles her. She says that it's bad for her professional image.

You may have seen Faulkner on Fox. She's the one who wears exactly 19.2 pounds of eye makeup to accentuate a pair of eyes that are already kinda extra-terrestrial freaky. If you want to see more of her, just Google some of her images. There's a really interesting one of her wearing boxing gloves ... and very little else. It does wonders for her professional image.

Some of the other toys in the line are named Pancakes Watkins, Pepper Clark, and Puffball Petrovsky. This is not good for Hasbro, because I'm pretty sure that those are also the names of the women who appear on Faulkner's roundtable show on Fox. I'm sure you've seen it. They all sit around in too-short skirts and try their damnedest to keep their legs sufficiently crossed while attacking Hillary Clinton for wearing pantsuits.

In all fairness, if Faulkner doesn't want her name on the toy, Hasbro should either take it off or come up with some money for her. However, her lawsuit goes way too far. In it, she claims that "Hasbro's portrayal of her as a rodent is demeaning and insulting."

Come on, lady. You're an African-American who has voluntarily worked at Fox News for a decade. It doesn't come any more demeaning and insulting than that.

Now for the ho. After reports came out that at least two companies that were considering relocating to Arizona said, "Uh, no" because of the criminal way that our State Legislature underfunds our schools, the chairman and CEO of the Arizona Chamber of Commerce, one lightheaded Glenn Hamer, wrote an op-ed piece in a Phoenix paper lauding the state of Arizona's schools. He wrote, " The truth is (that) Arizona's educational infrastructure is very strong."

Then, after a couple hits on the crack pipe, he continued, "(Arizona) is in the midst of a revolutionary change led by Governor Ducey that is creating an educational environment defined by a commitment to excellence and expanded opportunities for all students."

I swear that's what he wrote. If they ever do an all-male remake of Pretty Woman, he's a shoo-in for the Julia Roberts part.

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