If the corporate overlords could figure out a way to turn a profit on people filling out their NCAA brackets (while at the same time continuing to downsize), the Dow would be at 20,000. Who knows how many hours of work were lost earlier this week due to the brackets? Since we here at the Weekly aren't particularly fond of many of the corporate overlords, we thought we'd cut into productivity by offering yet another bracket for y'all to fill out.
Here are the participants, along with their respective seedings:
• Pima County Manager Chuck Huckelberry (1) vs. Town of Marana (16). Hey, the Chuckster is riding high, having proved that he can elevate when others remain earthbound. He can raise up. The bookies have the line at Chuck + 35,000. Meanwhile, tournament organizers told Marana it could have all the free water it wanted, but Marana insists on paying for the water and then has to take out a loan in order to do so.
• The TV Newscaster Woman (8) vs. the Fire Department Spokesperson Guy (9). I'll let you guys handicap this one, but try doing it without using the terms "one on one," "hand checking" or, you know, "score."
• U.S. Sen. John McCain (5) vs. City Councilman Steve Kozachik (12). These 5-12 matchups can be tricky. McCain is a winner, but every now and then he'll pick the worst possible teammate of all time, ever! Meanwhile, Kozachik sometimes plays zone and sometimes man. He also sometimes plays matchup or soccer or badminton or Parcheesi.
• Olympic Silver Medalist High Jumper Brigetta Barrett (4) vs. University of Arizona Football Coach Rich Rodriguez (13). An all-around athlete, Rodriguez recently played in a pickup game at McKale Center in which his team scored an amazing 122 points. Unfortunately, the other team scored 149. Barrett, who also sings the national anthem, gets every rebound and I mean every rebound!
• Tucson Mayor Jonathan Rothschild (2) vs. Pima County Supervisor Ally Miller (15). Rothschild almost didn't get invited to the tourney because, in previous years, organizers were convinced that Tucson didn't have a mayor. As for Miller, she's perplexed as to why a dropped ball will bounce while, at the same time, a Tea Party talking point will just land with a thud. Legend has it that Miller once went to a public swimming pool and, to this day, is still puzzled as to how that rope keeps the deep water from spilling into the shallow end.
• City Councilwoman Karin Uhlich (7) vs. Morning Radio Talker Jon Justice (10). Uhlich is pretty good but she can only go to her left. Meanwhile, Justice can only go to his right, even when he knows better. If you can visualize the spatial configurations, this game could end in a scoreless tie.
• U.S. Rep. Raul Grijalva (6) vs. Other Morning Radio Talker Garret Lewis (11). Lewis caused a pregame stir when he claimed that Grijalva's Progressives want to start the game with 10 points to help redress past injustices. Meanwhile, Grijalva, who keeps driving Lewis and others crazy by getting re-elected, pointed upward and did the "Scoreboard!" sign, then left early for the postgame victory celebration at the Silver Saddle.
• Rialto Honcho Curtis McCrary (3) vs. City Councilman Richard Fimbres (14). Having guided the Rialto through the darkest of days, McCrary is the unofficial King of Downtown. Plus, he looks like he'd be good at boxing out underneath. As for the councilman, the scouting report says his name should be Richar Fimbres 'cause he ain't got no "D." Against him, it's layup time because he gives up all kinds of free stuff.
The tournament should have had more participants. However:
• Jan Brewer was declared academically ineligible.
• Tom Horne showed up for the tourney but he backed the team bus into another vehicle and then took off, hoping no one would see him. Unfortunately for Horne, the feds saw the whole thing. He was under surveillance after an earlier incident in which he (ahem) parked himself where he shouldn't have.
• Frank Antenori was not allowed to play after he failed one of those amusement park "You Must Be This Tall To Participate" tests.
• And state Sen. Al "Radioactive Waste Dump" Melvin left in a huff after tournament organizers refused to let him wear a glow-in-the-dark jersey made almost entirely of tritium. In his defense, it wasn't nearly as ugly as those hideous adidas things that some teams are wearing.
We were also thinking of inviting the president of the University of Arizona, but no one seems to know who that person is. Congressman Ron Barber heard what happened to Frank Antenori and said, "Huh-uh." County Supervisor Ray Carroll was considering, but then he heard that the tournament (like everything else these days) was being sponsored by Rosemont Copper and he begged off.
You can fill out the bracket any way you want, and watch out for upsets. But don't send them to me because I will be watching the NCAA Tournament, the most glorious sporting event of the year. I'll be hoping/praying for the UA to get past the first weekend. And, as always, my overarching mantra will be the same as my wife's initials, ABD.
Anybody But Duke.