What songs will be playing when these candidates take the stage?

Back in the 1980s, my brother-in-law, Jesse, had as his best friend the only black kid in the entire town of Douglas. The kid's name was Leroy, and he was a good guy, although his taste in music pretty much blew. He'd listen to reggae-lite like The Police and Men at Work, and some heavier stuff like AC/DC and Pink Floyd. I tried to explain to Jesse that he had to broaden Leroy's horizons, especially if Leroy ever decided to leave Douglas.

So, one time, Jesse and some of his buddies were going to drive to Lake Novillo in Sonora to go fishing. They grabbed Leroy and literally tied him down in the backseat. Then they put speakers next to his head and played over and over and over again the cassette of James Brown Live at the Apollo 1963 that I had given them for the occasion.

Leroy was later able to laugh about it, and he told me that his dad had always loved that album. And it's not my fault that Leroy started wearing a cape to school.

After I suggested that President Barack Obama could benefit from listening to the lyrics of the Sly and the Family Stone classic "Stand!" I think someone took my advice. The same day the column came out, the president went on TV and said that he is in favor of jobs for Americans. Whoa, big fella!

I hope he takes it to heart; otherwise, the campaign song for next year will be the old Exposé number, "I'll Never Get Over You (Getting Over Me)."

Later that same night, I watched the Republican debate and came to the conclusion that Michele Bachmann really is Kathy Bates-crazy. She said that she had a plan that would have allowed the United States to default on its obligations and maintain its AAA rating at the same time. I would have loved to have seen that math. (She probably channeled the song, "25 or 6 to 4.")

There are a whole lotta songs that come to mind for Bachmann, but knowing her mentality (and her speech patterns), I'm betting that she would choose "I Don't Need No Doctor."

Other possible campaign songs for candidates are:

Regina Romero: "It's My Party." Apparently, it is. How else to explain why a major political party would endorse one candidate over another in a primary?! The only possible scenario I could come up with for something like that is if there were one of those dumb-ass "open" primaries, and the Republicans decided to pull out some of their tried-and-true rat-fornication techniques to try to knock her off in the primary.

But that doesn't make sense. There is no open primary, and they'd have a better chance of beating a Dem in the citywide general election, anyway. The Republicans can't be that dumb (although there is that small matter of not getting a mayoral candidate on the ballot).

I'd like the people who are running the Pima County Democratic Party to know that it's my party, too, and I think what they're doing sucks! And it's not because it involves Regina Romero; I'd be angry if the party were endorsing Bobby Kennedy (my all-time favorite Democrat) over another candidate in a primary election. It's a primary, and they're both Democrats. Stay out of it!

After the rigged primary is out of the way, Romero's theme song will revert to "Words Get in the Way."

• Mitt Romney: Oh, I don't know. How about "Mr. Roboto"? Or maybe "U Got the Look"? (But nothing else.)

• Chris Christie: "Shake, Rattle, and Roll." And that's just when he clears his throat.

• Dave Croteau and Mary DeCamp: "It's Not Easy Being Green." Although, apparently, if you're running for mayor of Tucson, it's a lot easier than being Republican, Libertarian or Social Democrat.

• Newt Gingrich: "This Used to Be My Playground," or maybe "What Have I Done to Deserve This?" He did a decent job of picking a fight with the moderator during the recent debate (fighting with the media is always a winning strategy with Republicans and those even further to the right), but he looks stodgy and out of place.

Rick Grinnell: "Sign Your Name (Across My Heart)." Of course, he wants people to sign his name across the ballot during the upcoming mayoral primary, but the way Tucson Republicans do things these days ...

• Sarah Palin: "(My) Angel Is a Centerfold." No, wait, that's Bristol Palin.

• Ron Paul: "War (What Is It Good For?)" He's got a team of lyricists trying to come up with a second verse where they replace the word "War" with "The Federal Reserve."

Plus, because he's a libertarian, at his rallies, they play "Puff the Magic Dragon" and "Pass the Dutchie."

• Rick Santorum: The old Mike and the Mechanics song, "Silent Running." It goes, "Can you hear me? Can you hear me running?"

• Rick Perry: "I Kissed a Girl (And I Liked It)." Sure, governor, sure you did. We believe you. You'd just better hope those evangelical buddies of yours believe you, too, lest you wake up some night to find John Waters standing over your bed with a hypnotic spinning wheel in one hand, and an electric cattle prod in the other.

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