After battling off a demon succubus, Tom has a lot to think about

The other night, without permission from my subconscious and in direct violation of my 40-plus years of adherence to my marital vows, I think I was about to have mind sex with a succubus. This succubus (at the behest of Donald Trump's new favorite doctor) came from Africa, but she/it didn't look anything like Lupita Nyong'o or Iman, which would certainly help if one were in the succubus business.

At the last minute—not wanting to experience a spontaneous pregnancy or get all kinds of alien blood in my system—I snapped awake. I was suddenly fully and amazingly conscious. In the immortal words of Hedley Lamarr (Blazing Saddles, 1974), my mind was a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives...


Right then and there, I decided to undertake a quest. I am going to find the first person—let's call him/her Douchebag Zero—to utter the least-productive phrase of all time: Defund the police. When I find this idiot, I am going to verbally pummel him/her about the head and neck.

There are several variations on a quote originally attributed to Napoleon, who is claimed to have said, "Never interfere with an enemy while he is in the process of destroying himself." Donald Trump is in the process of burning down the entire Republican mansion and the brainless "Defund the Police" stooges are telling Trump's sycophants where they can find the firehose.

Republicans have unsuccessfully tried to gain political traction by whining that Joe Biden won't come out of his basement. If it were up to me, we'd build Biden a sub-basement and provide him with Netflix and Popeye's Chicken until Nov. 3.

Along those same lines, wouldn't it be great if the people in Portland would use that social media stuff and pull the greatest gag of all time? After 60-something straight nights of gathering to protest against racial injustice, they should all get together on social media and, one night, have nobody show up. Then Trump's storm troopers could drive up in their unmarked SUVs and get out and throw tear gas at each other.

Other things that came into a deep clarity on my Succubus Sleepless Night include:

In a letter written to the daily paper, a former UA Law School teacher says that Joe Biden cheated while in law school. I'm sorry, but isn't that like saying that a guy swam during his lifeguard training?

In his latest attempt to distract people from the consistently horrible news about the virus and the economy, Trump tweeted that America should postpone its upcoming election indefinitely until everybody can vote in person (except Black people and Democrats). In the tweet, he again claimed that there is a difference between voting by mail and voting by absentee ballot (which Trump and his truly-frightening press secretary, Kayleigh McEnany, have both done). At most, that's a distinction without a difference.

It's like Richard Pryor, in his wino persona, would shout, "Hey, don't you come down here makin' all that racket! This is a neighborhood; this ain't no residential district!"

Anyway, I think we should consider it. Donald Trump, Jr. (I always forget; is he the dumb son or the stupid one?) has said that the virus is going to disappear the day after Election Day.

According to the Constitution (remember that outdated thing?), only Congress can change the election date. But let's say that they do. If there's no election and the Electoral College doesn't meet (why would they?), there's one thing that wouldn't change. On Jan. 20, Trump and Pence would both have to leave office. That would mean that the President would be ... Nancy Pelosi.

U.S. Representative Louie Gohmert of Texas is a dumbass. In fact, it appears that "Gohmert" is Texan for "dumbass." And if you stand out as a dumbass in Texas, you're an industrial-strength dumbass.

Gohmert was about to have a big day. He was going to get to fly to Texas on Air Force One, accompanying Donald Trump on a fund-raising trip. Gohmert was giddy. He was going to get to sit all up close to Trump the entire trip, getting all giggly and stuff. But right before he got on the plane, he was found to have tested positive for COVID-19. So he had to stay at school while all the cool kids got to go on the field trip.

Gohmert was one of the handful of Maskless Morons in the House of Representatives, having chosen macho over mentality. (On the same day that Gohmert got the boot, former Republican presidential hopeful Herman Cain, who had been at the sparsely attended Trump rally in Tulsa—without a mask—a few weeks back, died of the coronavirus.)

Anyway, Gohmert, trying to explain his positive test, said that he got the virus from his mask, which is the equivalent of saying, "I got sick from my own bad breath blowing back in my face."

In response to a column I wrote a month ago, the Daily Star ran an article under the headline "Pancho Villa was a Hero." In the article, the writer dismisses Villa's slaughter of 80 people in the village of San Pedro De La Cueva by stating that "he regretted (it) the next day."

Oh well, in that case, everything is OK. My bad. ■

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