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Tom Has Some Predictions for 2020

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Let's just call this 2020 foresight:

January: After some clever one-upmanship on the part of Nancy Pelosi (who threatened to just leave the impeachment hanging without sending it over to the Senate), the Trial of the Century of the Week gets underway. Senate Majority Leader (but not for long) Mitch McConnell shows his affinity for totalitarian regimes by announcing the Senate vote before it actually takes place. The casket of John McCain is dug up and opened so that anthropologists can search for any trace of what's left of Lindsey Graham's former integrity. Mitt Romney is the only Republican to vote to remove Trump from office. The three Republican women—Lisa Murkowski of Alaska, Susan Collins of Maine and Martha McSally of Arizona—around whom there had been speculation as to how they would vote, all end up voting in Trump's favor...which tells you a lot about Republican women. The day after the vote, Donald Trump calls 117 countries, offering money in exchange for dirt on any and all of his potential Democratic rivals. He mistakenly calls Puerto Rico, still not having learned that it is part of the United States and its people are American citizens.

February: Local Republican poobah Bruce Ash announces a meeting of Jews for Trump. It is held in a Subway sandwich place in a tiny strip mall near the WalMart in the Foothills Mall area. As the meeting is convened, three of the five tables in the place are still available for regular customers. However, thanks to the Internet, 20,000 people show up for a Jews for Trump rally in Tel Aviv.

March: Having grabbed a share of the Pac-12 title, the University of Arizona men's basketball team reaches the NCAA Tournament. When the brackets are announced, it is seen that if the Cats win their first three games, they face a possible Elite Eight match-up against the Wisconsin Badgers. Overnight, Sean Miller's hair goes completely white.

April: As the Democrats' Self-Destruct Tour rolls on from one primary state to the next, no real front-runner emerges. Continuing his plan to attack everyone, Trump OK's a payment of $70 million to someone who claims to be the Emperor of Guam in exchange for evidence supporting the rumor that Pete Buttigieg might be gay. Tweetstorm ensues.

May: The UA softball team makes it back to the College World Series for the first time since last year. Just like the good old days.

June: Martha McSally, down by 40 points to Mark Kelly in the polls, asks the Trump Administration if she can be the first member of the upcoming (and really dumbass-sounding) Space Force, allowing her to travel to the International Space Station in hopes of chipping away at Kelly's advantage. Trump turns her down, telling her that Jared Kushner had already sold that spot to the Prime Minister of American Samoa in exchange for proof that Elizabeth Warren isn't Native American, except for a little bit. On the very last day of their session, the United States Supreme Court votes 8-1 to uphold the lower courts' decision that Donald Trump must turn over eight years of his tax returns. This was such a slam dunk that even Gorsuch and Kavanaugh couldn't find a reason to vote in Trump's favor (although Kavanaugh does send an illegal message to Trump to let the President know that if he were to try to pardon himself, Kavanaugh would have Trump's back on that one). The lone dissenting voice comes from the dumbest of all justices, Clarence Thomas, who called the handing over of Trump's taxes to Congress a "financial electronic lynching."

July: The Democratic Convention is held in mid-month in Milwaukee. With the convention hopelessly deadlocked, a groundswell seeks to draft the one candidate in America guaranteed to kick the livin' piss out of Donald Trump—Michelle Obama. She swears that she won't run, but she's nominated, anyway. The first poll has her leading Trump by 37 points.

August: The UA football team shockingly loses its season opener, a home game with Hawai'i. A befuddled Coach Kevin Sumlin says, "That's three straight years. How many years in a row is that?"

September: Trump cancels all three of the planned debates against Michelle Obama, claiming that his speechwriter has laryngitis.

October: Bruce Ash's Jews for Trump group has swelled to the point that they now meet in the aforementioned Subway and the adjacent Baskin-Robbins. A desperate Donald Trump calls for Michelle Obama's birth certificate and later claims that Chicago isn't part of the United States because it has "all that music with the dreadful Negro rhythm."

November: Obama wins the popular vote by over 10 million and wins 34 states, including Arizona and the three Rust Belt states—Michigan, Pennsylvania, and Wisconsin—that gave Trump the Electoral College win in 2016. Vladimir Putin demands a recount.

December: Donald Trump hasn't been seen since the day after the election. Originally thought to be brooding around the White House a la Richard Nixon, it's later discovered that he used the JFK tunnels that Kennedy used to sneak in his mistresses to make his escape. It's finally discovered that Trump and Benjamin Netanyahu are bachelor-paddin' it up in Saudi Arabia, which has no extradition treaty with the U.S.

It's going to be a Happy New Year in 2021.

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