The Arizona Legislature has been catching some heat from left-wing rags and wags recently, but I say it's time to leave the law-making folks alone.
If we had a bunch of weak-willed Democrats running around the rented halls of power in Phoenix, do you think the state would have its very own Official State Firearm? No damn way. They'd probably be turning a picture of a saguaro upside down and trying to turn it into the Official State Peace Symbol or some such nonsense.
No, it takes a certain something (or perhaps a complete lack of something) to designate an official state firearm just weeks after one of the worst mass shootings in recent American history.
However, as State Sen. Sylvia Allen, Republican of Snowflake (emphasis on the second syllable), says, the shootings in Tucson had nothing to do with guns. I'm sure that the victims and their families are glad that we got that straightened out.
One thing I'm not really sure of is the reasoning behind Senate Bill 1201, which would allow guns to be taken into most public buildings, even those in which guns are not welcome. Guns über alles!
I don't get it, Gun Guys. Do you really need to take a gun into a public building? If so, why? Not "because I can" or "because I want to." Those are a third-grader's responses to a college-level question.
Say, for example, you're going downtown to conduct some business with the state. Maybe you could just borrow your neighbor's penis for a couple of hours; then you can enter the building without quaking with fear that you're going to get mugged by a bureaucrat. (I mean literally mugged. All of us have been figuratively mugged by a bureaucrat at one time or another.)
On the plus side, I think you're on to something with this "official state" stuff. You should do more of it. Heck, the budget will take care of itself, and who needs education, anyway, when we're the only state with an official state firearm?
(Oh, God! Please tell me that we're the only state with an official firearm!)
In case you guys run out of "official state" ideas, allow me to offer a few suggestions:
• Official state mascot: Let's see, it should have a red neck and a small brain. Maybe Nathan Bedford Forrest. Naw, he's going to be on Mississippi's license plates. How about Ev Mecham? Compared to today's politicians, his "pickaninny" gaffe seems almost quaint. No wait, I've got it: Pancho Villa. He's perfect, because he loved guns and hated Mexicans.
• Official state punchline: "And then God said, 'That's why I made Joe Arpaio.'"
• Official state hobby: Apparently, it's shooting stuff. And people.
• Official state Vulcan saying: "Live long ... enough to qualify for Medicare." (Because Jan Brewer is going to gut AHCCCS.)
• Official state excuse (for everything): Janet Napolitano.
• Official state stance on bullies: We won't let the feds bully us, but we reserve the right to bully cities.
• Official state endangered species: Teachers.
• Official state song: "By the Time I Get to Phoenix" (Republican Remix):
By the time I get to Phoenix, there'll be an uprising,
When they find the sign that was hanging on the door.
They'll laugh when they see the part about "No Firearms,"
'Cause we want our guns in every bar and store.
By the time they reach Albuquerque, they'll be wond'rin',
They'll probably stop and ponder the fall.
But they'll just see our grip keep right on wringin'
'Til there's a pall. Then that's all.
By the time we're like Oklahoma, I'll be sleepin',
I'll turn softly, call my lobbyist's name out loud.
And they'll cry when they see what we've done to Arizona,
Time and time again, we tried to tell them so,
But they didn't know, the middle class is still our foe.
• Official state motto: They're still mulling this one over. They narrowed it down to three before somebody walked out into the middle of the Sonoran Desert and whispered, "Taxes." The Legislature immediately stopped what it was doing—pretty much nothing—and formed a single-file line so that each member, in turn, could denounce taxes as evil, communist, completely unnecessary, carcinogenic and/or really, really yucky.
The three mottos that they have to choose from are:
"The only good Meskin' is a legal Meskin' ... and the guy who cleans my pool."
"Economy?! We don't need no stinkin' economy!"
"Hispanics: How can we miss you if you won't go away?"
• Official state tool: Russell Pearce.
• Official state cost-saving measure: When printing copies of the United States Constitution for Arizonans, don't waste paper and ink by printing all 27 Amendments, because we obviously only need the second one.