Tom celebrates spring’s awakening in a very Tom manner

Time for some Danehy spring cleaning.
Time for some Danehy spring cleaning.

Well, it's officially springtime, and so it's time for some spring cleaning. You know, out with the old and in with the not-quite-so-old. Gotta get rid of those thoughts that keep bouncing around in one's head lest they metastasize and you turn into Bobby Fischer or something.

• I see that Arizona Daily Star cartoonist Dave Fitzsimmons has the same weird obsession as I do. We both are addicted to crackpot, right-wing talk radio. And, to be fair, the reason that we only listen to crackpot, right-wing talk radio is that there really isn't any such thing as crackpot, left-wing talk radio. A big reason for that is that there aren't enough liberal listeners to sustain such a radio station. Liberals are too busy being teachers and nurses and people who help society to sit around and listen to Al Franken drone on.

That leaves Dave and I to listen for everybody else. I highly recommend it. If you're driving the kids to school or running errands in the morning, tune in. I especially enjoy the callers, who, apparently, walk among us disguised as normal human beings. I sometimes feel like I should get some of those special glasses like Rowdy Roddy Piper had in They Live that allowed him to see the skeletal aliens who were using phrases like "Deep State" to infiltrate humankind.

Now, if we could only find that mind-altering transmitter and destroy it!

• One of my favorite things is that the guy on the local morning show who keeps referring to his man-crush as "The Trumpster." Unless he went to a charter school, he's GOT to know what that rhymes with.

• Joe Biden brought out that old, tired line about how if he were back in high school, he would take Donald Trump back behind the gym and beat the hell out of him. That's lame. But then, the person who is supposed to be the Most Powerful Man in The Whole Wide World took the bait and unleashed a Twitter storm in response.

Now, I've never been in a fight, mostly because I'm charming as all hell. But I've always believed that fighting is stupid (unless it involves Steven Seagal in one of his earlier movies). It was stupid in high school and it damn sure would be stupid if it involved two septuagenarians.

Having said that, if Bob Arum could find a way to make Trump–Biden I: The Slapfight In D.C. work, I would be willing to break my lifetime pledge never to buy a pay-per-view event.

• This is a serious get-off-my-lawn moment, but I can't understand why people are always trying to back into parking spaces. First of all, most of them really suck at it. And they try to do it at the most inopportune times (for others). I just don't get it. You're going to have to back up sooner or later, but if you're backing out of a parking space, you're at least moving into a relatively open area so there's room for maneuvering. But if you're squeezing into a space between two other vehicles just so you can pull away easier when you're leaving, you stink. (Unless you're in law enforcement or yours is an emergency vehicle.)

This appears to be the latest extension of the syndrome that is defined by the behavior of "I'm a lousy driver but I think I'm a great driver and where I'm going is more important than where you're going."

I was at Costco the other day and this guy in a big-ass truck was trying to back into a space. Now, there's nothing wrong with driving a big-ass truck; this is America and you can compensate anyway you want. The guy tapped both of the cars that were on either side of the space before he gave up and drove away. And then he gave me the stink-eye as though my impatience had prevented him from fulfilling some sacred duty.

• I saw the Mayor of Tombstone on the TV news the other night. Not surprisingly, they referred to Tombstone as "The Second Amendment City." But then, Mayor Dusty Escapule said that he supported a ban on the AR-15 because it has only one use, that being the killing of lots of human beings in a short period of time.

That was cool, but what's really cool is that the mayor of a town is named Dusty. That's cooler than Bud or Gus or Mac. Our mayor has a mayor's name, Jonathan. He's a nice guy and does a good job, but just think if he had a nickname like Dusty. How 'bout Knuckles Rothchild?

• I seem to spend an inordinate amount of time around this season explaining that Easter falls on the first Sunday after the first full moon of spring. Also, there are 47 days (not 40) between Ash Wednesday and Easter. Believe me, when you give up fried chicken for Lent, you know how many days it's been. I'll see you at Popeye's after Mass.

• Oh yeah, a high-school athletic director called me the other day and asked if I was interested in applying for the head coaching position for his boy's basketball program. I told him that I wasn't interested and then he said, "But you'll be coaching boys."

Apparently, that's a step up in his world.

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