Meet the 137 readers who have WAY too much time on their hands

A few weeks back, I wrote a column about acronyms that I made up from the names of celebrities, local and otherwise (Danehy, March 8). I know it's bizarre. Just think how weird I would be if I had drunk alcohol and smoked dope like the rest of y'all. Anyway, at the end of the column, I invited readers to make an acronym out of my last name. I said that I would treat the winner(s) to lunch at Tania's.

First off, to the e-mailer whose indignation oozed through my computer screen and formed a pool on the desk, yes, Tania's is my favorite. Obviously, there are lots and lots of great Mexican-food places in this area. As a matter of fact, it's pretty hard to screw up Mexican food, although Lord knows, some have tried.

Some people are snobs about it. They think that a great Mexican restaurant has to be south of 22nd Street in an old building with furniture you can't trust. I like the food at lots of places--Mi Nidito, Micha's, Maria Bonita (which is on North Oracle Road!), La Fuente--the list could go on forever. I just happen to like Tania's the best; the takeout chips and salsa seal the deal for me.

Also, I'll be sending out gift cards to the winners. I'm not actually going to go to lunch with people. That would require my leaving the house for something other than basketball practice or going grocery shopping.

I honestly thought I'd get 10 or 12 submissions, and I'd pick one (maybe two), and that would be that. I got 137, and while I was typing this, No. 138 came through. So, like the bingo guy says in Murphy's Romance (which starred Sally Field and James Garner in a delightful May-December romantic comedy), I now declare this game closed.

Several patterns developed. Apparently, when thinking of me, the letter "A" brings to mind the longer, more specific form of the word "ass." There were lots of those, but none won, partly because I promised my wife I wouldn't use serious cuss words in my column. A couple that used that "A" word were pretty funny. The letter "D" often led to "damn" or "dumb." And several times, the "HY" led to "Hates You."

What I liked the best were the submissions that had a letter attached saying, "Hey, I read your column all the time, and I really like your writing ..." and then would slam me in the acronym. Among them:

· Disgusting And Nasty, Even Horribly Yucky!

· Devilish And Naughty, Evil Human Yahoo

· Deceptively Amiable Nabob Enrages Hometown Yokels. (John, who wrote this, sent along "Nitpicker" and "Naysayer" as options in case "Nabob" was too Spiro Agnew.)

· Doesn't Always Notice Everyone Hates You

And then there are the Dumb-Asses, almost too numerous to count. A sample:

· Dumb-Ass News Editor, HEY YOU!

· Dumb-Ass Needs Extreme Help, Yes

· Dumb-Ass Nerd Exudes Helplessness, Yeah!

Now, it's OK to call me a nerd, but when I lovingly referred to my son as a "Nerd-Boy," I was taken to task. Missa writes, "D'oh! Another Neanderthal Eats His Young." Actually, my son refers to himself as a nerd, although he's actually more of a nerd/jock/geek. He has two favorite T-shirts. One reads, "There are 10 types of people in this world: Those who understand binary, and those who don't." The other: "I'd like to be your derivative so I could lie tangent to your curves."

Math-geek pickup lines. Super hot.

Actually, I did hear him talking to a girl once, but he was trying to explain to her about the 8s. Starting at the 222,299th digit of pi, there are suddenly six 8s in a row. Very odd.

Now, back to the acronyms. Here are some more:

· Don't Actually Need Editors Helping You

· Dastardly Awkward Newsperson Exudes Harmless Yucks

· Does Any Newspaper Edit His Yammering?

· Did A Nerd Enter Here Yet?

· Doing Absolutely Nothing Every Hour, Yearly

· Don't Attempt Nothing Except Hoops, Youngster!

· Distinguished Author Notes Each Honest Yearning

· Dang ... Antagonized Nearly Everyone, Haven't You?

· Devil? Angel? Neither. Eternally Hapless Yammerer

· Distressingly Average Nimrod Exercising His Yap

· Does A Neanderthal Ever Halt Yelling?

· Drive Away, Newspaper-boy; Everyone Hates You

I picked six winners. In almost no particular order, they are:

· Dreaming About Numbers? Equations Have You. (That means that Robert and Elizabeth Brew actually read the entire column.)

· Dunces Are Nowhere Except Harvard and Yale (My daughter, the Cornell grad, insisted on this one from Jonathan.)

· Dude Actually Nibbles Excrement, Hell Yeah! (Ah, the all-out meanness. Good one from JJ.)

· Doesn't Appreciate Nutritious Eggplant Hummus Yogurt (This personal attack from Brian shows that he's a longtime reader ... or he's seen me at least once.)

· Day And Night, Every Hottie Yawns ... (This one from Missa means she's definitely seen me at least once.)

And my favorite, from someone who goes by "deadrock": "Does Appreciate Nagging Every Homeschooling Yuppie."

I'll send out the cards this week. Try the salsa, and thanks for playing.

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