The CD 8 candidates bring certain images to mind ...

Only five days are left until the momentous primary election in Congressional District 8. I'll support the Democratic candidate, whoever it is, in the general election, because I'm a Democrat, and also because I would love to see bull-in-a-china-shop Nancy Pelosi as speaker of the House during Bush's lame-duck years. In the meantime, I'm enjoying this fight.

While I love the nuts and bolts of politics, as a child of the media age, I have a tendency to cross-pollinate things. For example, sometimes I'll see a public figure, and a song pops in my head. When I see Dick Cheney, I hear "I Shot the Sheriff." Sometimes, I try to figure out which TV characters might vote for a certain candidate. And in this era of media politics, where image is everything, I try to reconcile intended image with what I really see.

Along those lines, please allow me to present my view of Tuesday's primary election contenders. (I left out one candidate, because he's an independent who crashed the Democratic primary, and I think that's just un-American):


Single-issue (immigration) drum-beater who just might win

TV character most likely to vote for him: Archie Bunker

Song: "Werewolves of London" (His hair was perfect!)

Desired image: Golf pro

Actual image: Redneck golf pro

Automatic disqualifier for this office: Might send my kids to Mexico by mistake.


Favorite (God knows why) of Beltway movers and shakers

TV character: Barney Fife

Song: "How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?"

Desired image: Seasoned Politico

Actual image: Big-money hand puppet

Automatic disqualifier: As I said on the radio, he's so lightweight, if he went through an electric eye, the door wouldn't open.


Macho military man with big ideas and empty pockets

TV character: Col. Flagg from M*A*S*H

Song: "The Ballad of the Green Berets"

Desired image: Military professional

Actual image: Professional military

Automatic disqualifier: Voted for Bush ... twice!


Moderate who probably can't believe he's losing to Graf and Huffman

TV character: Matlock

Song: "Running on Empty"

Desired image: Undamaged Vietnam vet

Actual image: Political dabbler

Automatic disqualifier: Frozen smile at end of commercials would scare Daredevil (the blind man without fear).


Right-winger who can't connect with fellow right-wingers

TV character: Festus on Gunsmoke

Song: "She Broke My Heart So I Busted Her Jaw"

Desired image: Straight shooter

Actual image: Shooter

Automatic disqualifier: Wants creationism taught in schools.


Longtime news chick wants to start near top of Dem mountain

TV character: Ted Baxter

Song: "Dirty Laundry"

Desired image: Seasoned observer of politics and world events

Actual Image: Female Ron Burgundy with better clothes

Automatic disqualifier: SHE WAS ON TV!!!


Former jet fighter pilot who says all the right things

TV character: Jack Bauer

Song: "Danger Zone"

Desired image: Perfect candidate to blunt GOP charges of softness

Actual image: Tree falling in the woods that no one hears

Automatic disqualifier: Works for an airline.


Dem version of Steve Huffman

TV character: Paris on Gilmore Girls

Song: Anything by Yanni

Desired image: Businesswoman/public servant

Actual image: Failed businesswoman/public figure

Automatic disqualifier: Used to be a Republican.


Gutsy septuagenarian who has no chance

TV character: Lorelai's mom on Gilmore Girls (I'm sorry; I like Gilmore Girls)

Song: "Mama Don't Take No Mess"

Desired image: Eleanor Roosevelt clone

Actual image: Eleanor Roosevelt

Automatic disqualifier: Might have partied with Eleanor Roosevelt.


TUSD School Board member who got sick of Joel Ireland

TV character: Everybody on Friends

Song: "My Maria" (Not the B.W. Stevenson version. I'm not sure why; maybe it's because he looks like what would happen if Brooks and Dunn had a child with each other)

Desired image: Hard-charging newcomer

Actual image: Promising young guy stuck on a crappy school board

Automatic disqualifier: He went to Harvard, and Harvard sucks.

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