While I love the nuts and bolts of politics, as a child of the media age, I have a tendency to cross-pollinate things. For example, sometimes I'll see a public figure, and a song pops in my head. When I see Dick Cheney, I hear "I Shot the Sheriff." Sometimes, I try to figure out which TV characters might vote for a certain candidate. And in this era of media politics, where image is everything, I try to reconcile intended image with what I really see.
Along those lines, please allow me to present my view of Tuesday's primary election contenders. (I left out one candidate, because he's an independent who crashed the Democratic primary, and I think that's just un-American):
RANDY GRAF
Single-issue (immigration) drum-beater who just might win
TV character most likely to vote for him: Archie Bunker
Song: "Werewolves of London" (His hair was perfect!)
Desired image: Golf pro
Actual image: Redneck golf pro
Automatic disqualifier for this office: Might send my kids to Mexico by mistake.
STEVE HUFFMAN
Favorite (God knows why) of Beltway movers and shakers
TV character: Barney Fife
Song: "How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?"
Desired image: Seasoned Politico
Actual image: Big-money hand puppet
Automatic disqualifier: As I said on the radio, he's so lightweight, if he went through an electric eye, the door wouldn't open.
FRANK ANTENORI
Macho military man with big ideas and empty pockets
TV character: Col. Flagg from M*A*S*H
Song: "The Ballad of the Green Berets"
Desired image: Military professional
Actual image: Professional military
Automatic disqualifier: Voted for Bush ... twice!
MIKE HELLON
Moderate who probably can't believe he's losing to Graf and Huffman
TV character: Matlock
Song: "Running on Empty"
Desired image: Undamaged Vietnam vet
Actual image: Political dabbler
Automatic disqualifier: Frozen smile at end of commercials would scare Daredevil (the blind man without fear).
MIKE JENKINS
Right-winger who can't connect with fellow right-wingers
TV character: Festus on Gunsmoke
Song: "She Broke My Heart So I Busted Her Jaw"
Desired image: Straight shooter
Actual image: Shooter
Automatic disqualifier: Wants creationism taught in schools.
PATTY WEISS
Longtime news chick wants to start near top of Dem mountain
TV character: Ted Baxter
Song: "Dirty Laundry"
Desired image: Seasoned observer of politics and world events
Actual Image: Female Ron Burgundy with better clothes
Automatic disqualifier: SHE WAS ON TV!!!
JEFF LATAS
Former jet fighter pilot who says all the right things
TV character: Jack Bauer
Song: "Danger Zone"
Desired image: Perfect candidate to blunt GOP charges of softness
Actual image: Tree falling in the woods that no one hears
Automatic disqualifier: Works for an airline.
GABRIELLE GIFFORDS
Dem version of Steve Huffman
TV character: Paris on Gilmore Girls
Song: Anything by Yanni
Desired image: Businesswoman/public servant
Actual image: Failed businesswoman/public figure
Automatic disqualifier: Used to be a Republican.
FRANCINE SHACTER
Gutsy septuagenarian who has no chance
TV character: Lorelai's mom on Gilmore Girls (I'm sorry; I like Gilmore Girls)
Song: "Mama Don't Take No Mess"
Desired image: Eleanor Roosevelt clone
Actual image: Eleanor Roosevelt
Automatic disqualifier: Might have partied with Eleanor Roosevelt.
ALEX RODRIGUEZ
TUSD School Board member who got sick of Joel Ireland
TV character: Everybody on Friends
Song: "My Maria" (Not the B.W. Stevenson version. I'm not sure why; maybe it's because he looks like what would happen if Brooks and Dunn had a child with each other)
Desired image: Hard-charging newcomer
Actual image: Promising young guy stuck on a crappy school board
Automatic disqualifier: He went to Harvard, and Harvard sucks.
