Super-sized non-surprise: A ridiculous experiment yields predictable results

In the new documentary, Super Size Me, a guy eats nothing but McDonald's for a month. If the thought of dining under the arches for 90 straight meals sends a shudder through you, you're not alone. As a lifelong aficionado of the comida del manteca, I have to admit that the thought of his intentional obsessiveness caused a twitch or two in my gastrointestinal tract as well.

The documentarian, a guy named Morgan Spurlock, is a likable enough guy, and he throws himself in front of the camera in the best tradition of Michael Moore. (Insert all "Michael Moore looks like he ate at McDonald's for ___ days in a row" jokes here.) He eats everything on the McDonald's menu at least once, and his only other rule is that if asked whether he wants his meal "super-sized," he must answer in the affirmative.

His shocking revelation at the end of the month? He gained weight! No, really!

So well-received was his film at the Sundance Film Festival that he has already begun work on his next controversial film, "Standing in Front of a Moving Bus Might Cause You Pain."

Actually, Spurlock claims to have gained 25 pounds in a month, an assertion that I find highly suspect. He shows himself being weighed, but the chances of a guy fudging numbers to advance a point aren't exactly out there in the finding WMD range. Of course, there is the possibility that he did gain 25 pounds in a month, which means that he had to have been a sedentary, gelatinous turd to begin with.

The Food Nazis are sure to glom onto this like it was the last radish at VeganFest. But what's the point, really? Does anybody out there really believe that a diet consisting entirely of fast food is healthy? How many helpless celluloid creatures had to die so that this film could be made?

Fast food isn't meant to be eaten three times a day. And if that's what you're doing, perhaps you should adjust your life a bit. Or maybe you're just 19 and living on your own. Believe me; you'll grow out of it. By the time you're 30, you'll be down to no more than twice a day; I absolutely guarantee it.

In addition to the weight gain, Spurlock also claims to have suffered liver damage, runaway blood pressure problems, symptoms of manic depression with sugar highs and crashing lows, headaches, fatigue, knee pain and skyrocketing cholesterol numbers. Again, just how pathetic was this guy to begin with? Even the most strident nutritionist will begrudgingly admit that there is truth to the old saw, "a hot furnace burns all fuel." Active individuals can absorb a few crappy meals each month without any alarms going off at the Center for Science in the Public Interest.

That group is pretty much the ruling cabal in the Food Nazi hierarchy. They're the idiots who came out with the ridiculous claim that Italian food is bad for you. This, despite the fact that Italians have among the longest life spans on earth. When the CSPI first made that claim, I sent it to my Italian mother--she's 82 and has nine living siblings who are older than she is. They all thought it was a hoot.

Attempting to make a name for himself in the Anti-Fun Coalition is the gaunt and ghastly vegan doctor who unethically released the medical records of Dr. Robert Atkins (of Atkins Diet fame) after Atkins' death. The records show that at the time of his death, Atkins was heavy for his height. What this smug and misleading bitch-wraith of an anti-meat crusader--whose name I refuse to mention--conveniently left out of his shameful diatribe is that coma patients often gain a substantial amount of weight due to fluid buildup. Atkins wasn't obese when he died; he was simply in the hands of medical "professionals" who would sell their mamas for a dollar fifty.

This coming food war is gathering steam. The U.S. House of Representatives, in a rare display of common sense, passed a bill that would prevent people from suing fast-food places over obesity claims. The bill may have a harder time getting through the U.S. Senate, which is apparently a wholly owned subsidiary of the Trial Lawyers Association.

The lawyers have been sniffing around this territory for a while, but Congress needs to smack the jackals on the nose. Of course, if some poor schmoe gets served a fried rat at KFC, that's probably lawsuit-worthy. Otherwise, if eating fast food makes you fat, then either stop eating fast food or choose to live your life as a fat person. In either case, you don't need a lawyer.

Spurlock's final claim in the documentary is that after 30 days of eating cheeseburgers and fries, he had completely lost his sex drive.

Hey, dude: As a documentarian, you're OK; as a guy, you suck.

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