Cockroaches Attack!

'AVPR' is an insult to the Aliens that came before--not to mention filmgoers

I need to clear up some confusion concerning the title Aliens Vs. Predator--Requiem. It incorrectly implies that just one Predator is fighting all of the Aliens, and damn it, that's just not true. There are multiple Predators in this film, including the hilarious Pred-Alien, a hybrid monster that comes into existence after a Predator gets one of those Alien face-huggers on his head.

I also need to clear up the "Requiem" part. That word suggests a "classic" conclusion to this brain-dead series. It's a big word that I doubt many characters in this film could even comprehend. There are no Catholic Masses or pieces of music written to accompany a classic Mass in this film. No Aliens or Predators can be seen singing their laments in the movie. The word "requiem" should be stricken from the title.

A more suitable title would be Aliens Vs. Predator--Shitty-Looking Smackdown That Will Hopefully Mark the Last Chapter in This Sorry Saga.

When I first saw one of the Alien Vs. Predator comic books, it struck me as one of the dumbest ideas for a series ... ever. Combining these two movie villains makes no sense. They exist in different movie universes, and the movies they occupied had close to nothing in common.

One thing--on a very long list of things--that I hate about these movies is that the dreaded Aliens are reduced to pesky, oversized bugs in this series. They can be easily dispatched with swords, guns, apples and acerbic insults. The only things bad about them are that they are ugly, and they spout acid when punctured. Seriously: It seems that characters can save themselves from the screechy bastards by shooting rubber bands at them.

I also hate that clicking, gargling sound the Predators make. It was cool when used minimally in the Predator-by-himself movies, but now there's that irritating clicking sound whenever a Predator is present.

The premise here has a Predator ship infected by Aliens crashing in a small Colorado town at night. (Crashing in Manhattan or Chicago in broad daylight would've called for the big special-effects bucks.) Face huggers immediately implant their seeds in two hunters; chest-bursting baby aliens ensue; and a small fraction of the Earth has a problem.

A sort of concerned C.S.I. Predator shows up to, I guess, wipe out all evidence of the Aliens' evil-doings on our planet. When it finds chest-bursting victims, it pours a glowing blue solution on them that makes the corpses disappear. However, when the Predator kills humans, it still does the whole hanging-the-skinned-body-from-a-tree thing. That's hardly inconspicuous behavior for a C.S.I. Predator sent to our world in order to cover up Alien evil-doings.

There's also a teen element in this one, as the main protagonist is a sad pizza delivery boy in love with the hottest girl in school. This, of course, attracts blond-haired bullies with emo haircuts; I've always asserted that blond-haired bullies with emo haircuts are absolutely essential to Aliens Vs. Predator movies.

It's fair to say that character development was not at the forefront of the minds of directors The Brothers Strause. (Yes, that is how they are actually billed.) Before the film's release, they bragged that this installment would mark a return to the Alien suits of old. Too bad we can't see these suits, because everything is shot in the dark, and they use quick-cut editing to cheat the visuals and action.

Stay away from this film, especially if you are a fan of the earlier, stand-alone films, and you wish to remain afraid of the H.R. Giger-inspired Aliens. However, if you have a desire to see them reduced to oversized cockroaches, have at it.

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