Barking Mad: A Statement from The Werewolf Party On Werewolf Derangement Syndrome

The Werewolf Party's leaders want you to know the werewolf must be left in his lair, undisturbed. There's no way the werewolf will ever be a threat again because he's learned his lesson and full moons are hoaxes and don't really transform him into a bloodthirsty canid. Not a problem. Go out and shop, spend your money. Take a cruise.

The werewolf has gotten a bad rap. It's the chupacabra who is actually responsible for all the carnage. It would be unfair to kill the werewolf because the chupacabra has never been killed, despite our best efforts. The chupacabra is the enemy of the people.

Further, a lot of people adore the werewolf and think he's really a unicorn. It's true that we know he's not a unicorn because he is voracious and merciless and has huge teeth, but, still, if you kill him, watch out. The Unicorn Club will all transform into werewolves and go around ripping everyone's throats, and that will be your fault, you radical socialist pedophile werewolf haters.

By the way, we kind of know the Unicorn Club members are deplorable and insane and dangerous and believe in lizard people, but they are just asking questions and representing people who love the werewolf because they believe the werewolf is probably not going to kill them because he generally doesn't kill people who love him. Also, the Werewolf Party does not like some of the people who have fallen victim to the werewolf, and they probably deserved it.

If you kill the werewolf, everyone will go around in camo tactical gear randomly shooting up malls with silver bullets. Next thing you know, we'll be nuking hurricanes.

People who are afraid of the werewolf are weak and selfish and hate our freedoms. Wanting to kill the werewolf says more about them than it does about the werewolf who, despite disemboweling a lot of innocent people, has also done some good things. He built some wall. Who doesn't love a boat parade?

Sure, we are, in fact, the Werewolf Party but we don't know the werewolf, have never really liked the werewolf and you're just plain crazy if you think we approve of the way the werewolf has ruthlessly eviscerated some people, including, we in all candor must admit, some very fine members of the Werewolf Party and even the Unicorn Club. We were powerless to stop him because the people who love the werewolf do not listen to anybody but the werewolf and they cannot be reasoned with.

In conclusion, the werewolf is not coming back. It's best to humor the werewolf. He might try to kill some people, but we don't think he will be successful because the werewolf is dumb and fat and very uncoordinated. Future reports of any deaths-by-werewolf will be fake news.

We admit the Unicorn Club is definitely a threat, but they are patriots, so it's best not to get in their way. Don't say we didn't warn you.

Also, a caravan of chupacabras is descending on us all.

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